The Journey: Forty Days of PromiseCelebrating the Legacy of African American Christianity
Day Ten: Longing for Someone to Confide In
Welcome to day ten of our forty-day intercultural journey. From Martin Luther King Day to the end of Black History Month we are focusing on The Journey: Forty Days of Promise—Celebrating the Legacy of African American Christianity.
Day Ten: Longing for Someone to Confide In[1]
The most horrific aspect of slave family life was the rape of black women by their masters and others. Harriet Jacobs, the victim of constant lewd advances from her master, expresses her despondency because of the birth of a daughter.
“When they told me my new-born babe was a girl, my heart was heavier than it had ever been before. Slavery is terrible for men; but it is far more terrible for women” who inevitably must endure licentious assaults on their virtue.
Jacobs describes the onset of such onslaught in her own life.
“But I now entered on my fifteenth year—a sad epoch in the life of a slave girl. My master began to whisper foul words in my ear. Young as I was, I could not remain ignorant of their import.” She felt that “every where the years bring to all enough of sin and sorrow; but in slavery the very dawn of life is darkened by these shadows.”
Her master, Dr. Flint, tried his utmost to corrupt the pure principles that her grandmother had instilled in her. He peopled her young mind with unclean images, such as only a vile monster could imagine. She turned from him with disgust and hatred, but he was her master. She was compelled to live under the same roof with him—where she saw a man forty years her senior daily violating the most sacred commandment. He told her that she was his property and that she must be subject to his will in all things.
“My soul revolted against the mean tyranny. But where could I turn for protection.”
Jacobs longed for someone to confide in and “would have given the world to have laid my head on my grandmother’s faithful bosom, and told her all my troubles.” However, Dr. Flint swore that he would kill her if she was not as silent as the grave. Being very young, Jacobs felt “shamefaced about telling her (grandmother) such impure things, especially as I knew her to be very strict on such subjects.”
A Skillful Spiritual Friend
What was she to do? And what are we to do when life kills the dreams we dream; what recourse do we have? We, like Jacobs, can turn to those who love us unconditionally.
“Still I was not stripped of all. I still had my good grandmother, and my affectionate brother.” Of him, she writes, “When he put his arms round my neck, and looked into my eyes, as if to read there the troubles I dared not tell, I felt that I still had something to love.”
Her affectionate brother was a skillful spiritual friend. Consider his relational competencies: the appropriate use of physical touch, the meaningful application of eye contact, accurately reading body language, sensing unspoken pain, and communicating unconditional love. And consider the result of his ministry: the rebirth of love.
A Skillful Spiritual Director
Her saintly grandmother was a skillful spiritual director. Upon finally learning of Dr. Flint’s advances, Jacobs’ grandmother confronts him, telling him plainly what she thought of his character. She then forcefully rebukes him:
“I tell you what, Dr. Flint, you ain’t got many more years to live, and you’d better be saying your prayers. It will take ’em all, and more too, to wash the dirt off your soul.”
When he responds by asking if she knows to whom she is speaking, she boldly replies, “Yes, I know very well who I am talking to.” Flint then backs down, leaving the house in a great rage.
The moment Flint leaves, Jacobs’ eyes meet those of her grandmother. The anger is gone, replaced with tenderness. Jacobs expresses amazement that her infidelity did not lessen her grandmother’s love for her. “She was always kind, always ready to sympathize with my troubles.”
Whereas Jacobs’ brother illustrates expert sustaining, her grandmother exhibits adroit reconciling. She literally takes her life in her hands to stand toe to toe with a white master. Even when she rebukes him, she retains concern for him—for his eternal destiny. She also demonstrates the vital ability to quickly shift from righteous anger to tender compassion, not to mention her expressions of unconditional love.
Learning Together From Our Great Cloud of Witnesses
1. What spiritual friendship principles can you learn from Harriet Jacobs’ brother?
2. What spiritual direction principles can you learn from Harriet Jacobs’ grandmother?
[1]Excerpted, modified from, and quoted from Kellemen and Edwards, Beyond the Suffering: Embracing the Legacy of African American Soul Care and Spiritual Direction. Purchase your copy at 40% off for only $10.00 at https://rpmministries.org/.
Dr. Kellemen
Today was the first day that I read the journey writing.
As a African American woman – it takes the grace and knowledge of Christ redeeming love to contain my inner pain, anger, and hurt for sisters of the past who were emasculated by White slave masters.
I had the opportunity to be part of your Trinity Course in 2008 when we used the book Beyond The Suffering. I still keep gems of wisdom in my mind from the course.
As I read the reading – I was reminded of the “Grandmothers” of our rich heritage who loved their granddaughters to live and through their pain.
I recall coming out of a very painful relationship with a youngman who was a minister. I didn’t imagine that my greatest lesson of relationships and pain would come through this means.
I found myself at my grandmother’s doorstep at 2:00 am in the morning after driving around several hours and having left a worshipful church service. It was the driving around when the enemy plagued my mind of insecurity, shame, embarrasment, and attacks of self esteem.
It was my grandmother who came to the door with her smile of – “Com on in babe. What are you doing out this time of the night?” I never told her what the problem was- but she was wise – she knew what was going on in my life.
She offered me some “oatmeal” to eat – gave me some conversation – and gave again her words of wisdom. She stated how she and my grandfather had been fishing for several hours and. She would catch very small fish and my grandfather would take the fish off her hook and through it back in to the water. She asked him, “Billie – why you keep through my fish back in the water?” She told me his reply was, “Old Lady – you ain’t caught the right fish yet. We going keep waiting and keep fishing”.
I didn’t understand at the age of 22 why she told me this fish story when I was hurting and crying. It took some years as I often tell this story and meditated on it myself – what she was really saying to her granddaughter.
I hadn’t caught the “right fish yet”.
She also offered me some more oatmeal to eat.
We are women – and I hope to speak for many African American Women – we thank God for our Spiritual Friends and Spiritual Directors that have the title of “Grandma” – “Big Mama” – “Nina” or in my case – “Granny”.
Thank God this young woman had someone to confide in.
Blessings Dr. Bob and I look forward to having another time of contacting you.