Members of the Opposite Gender
Part I: Reasons 1-5
Introduction
I’ve been involved in a fascinating and stimulating discussion with a good friend and co-worker in biblical counseling. She believes that the biblical norm mandates that “counseling” must always be between two people of the same gender.
While I do not agree with her view, I do respect her thinking. Also, I certainly believe that there is much power in same gender “counseling.” It is not “wrong” to “counsel” someone of the same gender. I simply do not believe the Bible says that our “counseling” must be exclusively with members of our own gender.
Now, I’m no fool. I understand that I am going to have people “on both sides” at the very least disagreeing with me, some angry at me, and some even calling me a heretic (it wouldn’t be the first time!).
So why discuss this?
It’s a vital issue. It’s a question I am asked a lot. It’s relevant to ministry today.
So…this is a blog. It’s not a book. It’s not a published article. It’s not the final word. The following thoughts are my random ponderings on the issue pretty much as they appeared in the email string generated by my conversation with my friend.
So…the following views are not “hills I am going to die on.” I express them in the hopes of inviting intelligent, loving spiritual conversations. If you disagree with me, please share comments—speaking the truth in love, like a good “Berean.” If you agree with me, but would say things differently or would include additional reasons, please share those.
Here goes. In no particular order, some reasons why I believe we can “counsel” members of the opposite gender.
1. “Counseling”: How We Define It
Notice that I have been putting “counseling” in quotation marks. We need to start with what we mean by “counseling.”
I’m big on one another ministry. So for me, “counseling” is simply one another spiritual friendship. I don’t see anywhere that the Bible suggests that one another ministry should be exclusively same gender.
Additionally, my model of biblical counseling and spiritual friendship does not focus on final authoritative, directive teaching. It highlights collaborative, “trialogues” where we explore together how God’s Word relates to one another’s lives. I do not believe that this one another practice of collaborative exploration of God’s Word is in any way excluded by any biblical exhortation about women teaching men (see more on this in a subsequent point).
Now, I’m not naïve. I understand that we must address the more formalized relationship of one person who is the recognized “counselor” and one person who is the recognized “counselee.” Even this is not a new issue. Throughout church history people experienced the relationship of a spiritual director to a “directee.”
But again, my definition of soul care and spiritual direction involves a mutual relationship where one person seeks to sustain, heal, reconcile, and guide another person to apply God’s changeless truth to another person’s life.
I do not believe that this spiritual direction practice of collaborative exploration of God’s Word is in any way excluded by any biblical exhortation about women teaching men (see more on this in a subsequent point).
2. Theology of Gender: Genesis 1 and 2 and Creation as Male and Female
I know that some could take our distinct genders to mean that since we are different at the soul level, we should not counsel one another. I would say the opposite.
The idea that it is not good for man/male to be alone, is not only husband/wife, but also male/female. In other words, when we separate by gender in the church, just like when we separate by ethnicity and by age, we lose the beauty of diversity that God has planned.
Males need the unique spiritual friendship insights of females. Females need the unique spiritual friendship insights of males. We need one another.
3. Biblical One Another Exhortations: Let’s Be Consistent
I believe all the one another passages exhort us to offer one another mutual spiritual friendship, soul care, and spiritual direction. None of these passages hint at such commands being directed only toward same gender spiritual conversations.
In fact, when Paul says to speak to one another in psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs, the context is across cultures, across socieo-economic lines, and across genders (Colossians 3:11-16). When Paul says, in this same context, “Bear with each other, and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another,” surely no one would say, “That only applies to men with men and women with women.”
Paul says in Colossians 3:9, “Do not lie to each other.” Surely no one would say, “Well, that applies only to men with men and women with women.” Yet, a scant few verses later Paul says, “Let the Word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with wisdom…” (3:16). Sounds like “counseling.” That’s why I would define biblical counseling as teaching and admonishing one another with wisdom, and I would see Paul commanding all believers to engage in such biblical counseling one with another—including men with women and women with men.
4. Biblical Examples: What Do We See in the Bible?
Jesus and the woman at the well provide a biblical example of a male ministering one-to-one with a female.
The relationship of Aquila and Priscilla to Apollos provides a biblical example of a male/female team mentoring (providing spiritual direction to) a male. Some might say, “Wait, that’s a husband/wife team, so that’s not even in your category of “counseling.” That comment just shows how much we’ve been influenced by modernistic, secular images of what “counseling” is.
Aquila and Priscilla with Apollos is exactly the category of ministry I am addressing. One another spiritual friendships with the opposite gender can include husband and wives ministering to husband and wives. They can include “mixed” small groups. The issue is, can we minister to members of the opposite gender? The issue is not simply the “setting.”
Paul’s list of names in the small house churches in Rome is another example of one another spiritual friendship and small group fellowship being across genders (Romans 16).
I plan to search the Scriptures for further examples.
5. Church History: Women and Men Provided Sacred Friendships to One Another
Anyone who reads my new book, Sacred Friendships (http://bit.ly/YmaM1) will see how many godly women mentored godly men. The famous Church Fathers were mentored, time after time, by the less-famous, but equally vital, women of the early church. Clearly, women were spiritual directors for the Church Fathers.
I am not saying that history and tradition are equal to inspired Scripture. However, since my interpretation and application of Scripture is not inspired, and neither is yours, I do want to learn from others in church history. And many great Church Fathers, Reformers, and Puritan men benefited from and believed in the role of ministry “across genders.”
Additionally, throughout church history, male pastors provided “counsel” to women. In many cases, we have detailed descriptions of ongoing “counseling” between male pastors and their female parishioners (this is especially true of the Reformers and Puritans).
What Are Your Thoughts?
Thus ends part one of my rambling ponderings.
What are your thoughts?
Be sure to return for part two…
I agree with you that the Bible does not forbid counsel of one gender by the other. I have no doubt that such situations can and certainly have been edifying for each party and glorifying to God.
However, I'm sure you would recognize that certain levels of counsel require a amount of vulnerability and openness that, on certain subjects and in certain circumstances, could cause problems. You and I probably both know friends and colleagues who, under such circumstances, crossed a line when counsel and comfort led to inappropriate behavior.
Does the Bible say no? Nope. Does common sense require very special care? You betcha!
I agree with you wholeheartedly.
I am coming from a slightly different background with this issue. My grappling with this comes from the perspective of a small group. I lead a mixed singles small group (of young men/women, from 20-30yrs old) and, given the goals of small groups to produce intimacy, connectedness, and spiritual friendship, conservative observers looking in from the outside tend to see our unique dynamics as a hindrence to community and openness.
However, what has been cool to see is the exact opposite. God has used our group to minister to each other in ways an all male or all female group could never do. The differences in perspective, mindset, and processing have oftentimes melted together in a beautiful display of God's Spirit to heal hurting hearts or reconcile sinful thinking.
In spite of the opposition, we have all been blessed by each other. It's been messy, hard, and there has been conflict and hurt feelings along the way…but isn't that what relationships are all about?
I appreciate your wise and thoughtful ponderings. My best counselor is my wife!!
I believe each counseling situation needs much wisdom and spiritual discernment and as you suggest in may be best not to counsel a different gender and at times it may be. If providing counseling to a woman, I often try to get another woman in involved to provide another voice. Additionally, I inform my wife of my counseling schedule.
Jeff
I think I will do a follow-up post to discuss further wisdom principles and safeguards with "informal spiritual friendships" and "formal biblical counseling." That's been pretty explicit in what I've said, especially in part 2, but a full blog post on that will help also.
I agree as well….. I was told by my mom that I should not be “counseling” males…. she thinks that’s all I “counsel” but I don’t … I like to help & encourage both genders… does not matter to me, as long as they get encouraged and their relationship with Jesus, strengthens…. so she wants me to cut ties with any males that I’ve been encouraging … she believes that its a “cult” thing to do when you help others of the opposite gender…. I didn’t think this was biblical .. and now that I’ve read this article .. it confirms my thinking ….. I don’t know what to tell my mom…. I don’t want to disobey her but.. I can’t just stop helping people simply because they are of different gender?… anyway, thank you for this article. God Bless.
Opposite gender counseling can be extremely beneficial. I am a single woman in my early 40’s, and have received spiritual direction from a wise, spiritually mature Catholic priest for 12 years. All of my close Christian friends are female, and therefore, I believe that can learn additional spiritual wisdom by opening up to a Christian man in a counseling setting. Spiritual direction has given me that opportunity. Gender complementarity does matter, beyond sex and dating.
Moreover, I feel much safer opening up my spiritual life to a male spiritual director in a context where emotional boundaries are clear, than I do opening up in a coed small group context, where they are not.
While I agree that opposite genders can “counsel” each other to much benefit, I believe that an ongoing, formal counseling arrangement (e.g., meeting weekly or regularly) should be between the same gender. The exception to this is if it is a married couple and the other spouse is also seeing the SAME counselor. This is to protect the marriage relationship, because there is no other accountability to the counselor/counselee. They are isolated. Such a situation is rife for problems. Common sense, really, but people try to “pooh-pooh” it, calling upon modern times and input from opposite gender point of view. Both of those can be legitimate, but again, there needs to be more people involved than just the counselor/counselee. It could be a second counselor, or merely another person present. Don’t fool yourselves. Again, I am not speaking of friendships, occasional conversations, etc.
I just had an experience with this sort of philosophy, and it causes me to choose a side in this “debate”. In the course of life I have recently come across a person (not in the church) of the other gender in a very bad spot, living in the pain and consequences of years of sin. Nobody was really responding more than appropriately, and this person was going downhill rapidly in both the mental and physical senses. I made an effort to encourage this person, all the while asking my pastor for contact information that I could get to this person to help out. He told me to send some web pages for the person to basically find their own help and to remove myself quickly. When I said that I was uncomfortable with this approach, and that this would not work with the person and that I needed to make a better “handoff” he got irritated. He specifically gave me a “directive” (his word) to call another pastor to discuss the idea of not counseling the opposite sex (he wasn’t even taking the time to do it himself). This didn’t convey concern, but merely a lording over of authority from a superior to a subordinate. When I said that I perceived such a policy to be a Pharisaical bid to preserve my own “holiness” he called me a fool (to my face). We all know what Jesus said about calling another a fool, so for my pastor to do it was concerning. I found contact information myself and called the people. I specifically outlined the story of this other person to them and suggested that a more personal approach was needed. I was assured that they had resources available that they would make available to the person, and I was happy. I was able to make a handoff that would give the best chance of the person finding the help they needed. This was all I wanted, not to counsel or get personally involved. I didn’t want to be the priest that crossed the road on the way back from Jerusalem for fear of getting my hands dirty. I wanted to bring the person to where they could get help, like the Good Samaritan had done. It was like passing a woman who’s car was broken down on the side of a country road. I could either help her by calling for help or I could try to fix the engine myself. I wasn’t qualified to fix the engine, but I could certainly place the call, and I did that. I wasn’t going to drive by and leave her there to figure it out herself or wait for another car to pass by in an hour. So, the person made contact with the people I found for them and…they dropped the ball and basically sent them to a web page to find their own help, just like my pastor told me to do. This very broken person walked away asking how anyone could tell them that God loved them, and that they had lost what little faith that they ever had that He could help. I did my best, I won’t say “I told you so”, and am not upset with my part, but the incident (in my perception) revealed some things that make me very uncomfortable. A lack of humility on the part of the pastor for not recognizing that God just may have equipped someone to do certain work in His kingdom that the pastor himself was not the expert on, as evidenced by a refusal to listen to a fellow member of the church, instead making them feel villainized for not falling into line and daring to question. A pride issue, as evidenced by the issuing of “directives” and calling another a fool. A failure to care for a member of the congregation as evidenced by the way he responded, seeming to take things personally when his authority was “challenged”. I couldn’t really care less that he disagreed with me. It happens all the time in life. These things are of greater concern. I think this whole men working with men and women with women thing gets carried too far. It becomes a Pharisaical exercise that can hinder the work of God. I agree that care needs to be taken to steer clear of temptation, but I also believe that God can protect those that He sends into the fray. Do we not believe that Jesus meant it when He told us to pray “…Lead us not into temptation, and deliver us from evil…”, or do you think that he was just giving us meaningless words to say? And now I feel like a leper, even though I know I did the right thing. Thanks for letting me vent.