A Biblical Model of Grieving: Hope in the Midst of Your Grief
The Big Idea: The following is a 1,000-word summary of God’s Healing for Life’s Losses. In just 1,000 words we contrast the world’s way of grieving with the Word’s way of grieving and growing.
How Do We Face Suffering?
How do we face suffering face-to-face with God rather than turning our backs on God during the grieving process? What does the journey with God look like as we find hope when we’re hurting?
In finding God’s healing for life’s losses, we have two basic options. We can turn to the world’s way. Or, we can follow the way of God’s Word.
The World’s Way: Is That All There Is?
Students of human grief have developed various models that track typical grief responses. Swiss-born psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, in her book On Death and Dying, popularized a five-stage model of grieving based upon her research into how terminally ill persons respond to the news of their terminal illness. Her five stages have since been used worldwide to describe all grief responses.
A Researched-Based Model of the Grief Process
Denial: This is the shock reaction. “It can’t be true.” “No, not me.” We refuse to believe what happened.
Anger: Resentment grows. “Why me?” “Why my child?” “This isn’t fair!” We direct blame toward God, others, and ourselves. We feel agitated, irritated, moody, and on edge.
Bargaining: We try to make a deal, insisting that things be the way they used to be. “God, if You heal my little girl, then I’ll never drink again.” We call a temporary truce with God.
Depression: Now we say, “Yes, me.” The courage to admit our loss brings sadness (which can be healthy mourning and grieving) and/or hopelessness (which is unhealthy mourning and grieving).
Acceptance: Now we face our loss calmly. It is a time of silent reflection and regrouping. “Life has to go on. How? What do I do now?”
Understanding the World’s Limitations
These proposed stages in the grief process seek to track typical grief responses. However, they do not attempt to assess if this is what is best to occur. Nor could they assess, simply through scientific research, whether these responses correspond to God’s process for hurting (grieving) and hoping (growing).
We must understand something about research in a fallen world. At best, it describes what typically occurs. It cannot, with assurance and authority, prescribe what should occur. Research attempts to understand the nature of human nature are thwarted by the fallenness of our nature and of our world.
As Dallas Willard explains:
Secular psychology is not in an “at-best” set of circumstances. The question of who we are and what we are here for is not an easy one, of course. For those who must rely upon a strictly secular viewpoint for insight, such questions are especially tough. Why? Because we do in fact live in a world in ruins. We do not exist now in the element for which we were designed. So in light of that truth, it’s essentially impossible to determine our nature by observation alone, because we are only seen in a perpetually unnatural position.
The Word’s Way: All You Need for Your Healing Journey
Understanding these research limitations, and believing in the sufficiency of Scripture, we can focus on a revelation-based model. We can address and assess the typical five stages of grieving, however, we can move beyond them.
The biblical approach to grieving and growing identifies eight scriptural “stages” in our responses to life’s losses. God’s way equips us to move through hurt to hope in Christ—from grieving to growing. We call it “Biblical Sufferology”—a scripturally wise and practically relevant understanding of suffering.
Biblical Sufferology
Sustaining in Suffering: Stages of Hurt–“It’s Normal to Hurt and Necessary to Grieve”
Stage Typical Grief Response Biblical Grief Response
Stage One Denial/Isolation Candor: Honesty with Myself
Stage Two Anger/Resentment Complaint: Honesty with God
Stage Three Bargaining/Works Cry: Asking God for Help
Stage Four Depression/Alienation Comfort: Receiving God’s Help
Healing in Suffering: Stages of Hope–“It’s Possible to Hope and Supernatural to Grow”
Stage Typical Acceptance Response Biblical Growth Response
Stage Five Regrouping Waiting: Trusting with Faith
Stage Six Deadening Wailing: Groaning with Hope
Stage Seven Despairing/Doubting Weaving: Perceiving with Grace
Stage Eight Digging Cisterns Worshipping: Engaging with Love
The first four stages involve sustaining in suffering, which we explore in chapters two through five of God’s Healing for Life’s Losses. The second four stages relate to healing in suffering, which we explore in chapters six through nine.
Please always remember that these “stages” are a relational process, not sequential steps. Grieving and growing is not a neat, nice package. It isn’t a tidy procedure.
Grieving and growing is messy because life is messy. Moving through hurt to hope is a two-steps-forward, one-step-backwards endeavor. We don’t “conquer a stage” and never return to it.
Rather than picturing a linear, step-by-step route, imagine a three dimensional maze with many possible paths, frequent detours, backtracking, and even the ability to reside in more than one “stage” at the same time.
However, positive movement is possible. In fact, it is promised. You can find God’s healing for your losses. You can find hope in your hurt.
Whatever your grieving experience has been like up to this point, don’t quit. Don’t give up.
Join the journey. Experience the biblical reality that it’s normal to hurt and necessary to grieve. Learn how to move from denial to personal honesty (candor), from anger to honesty with God (complaint), from bargaining to asking God for help (crying out), and from depression to receiving God’s help (comfort).
Stay on the path. Experience the biblical reality that it’s possible to hope and supernatural to grow. Learn how to move from regrouping to trusting with faith (waiting on God), from deadening to groaning with hope (wailing to God), from despair to perceiving with grace (weaving in God’s truth), and from digging cisterns to engaging with love (worshipping God and ministering to others).
God truly does provide you with everything you need for life and godliness. Through the Word of God, the Spirit of God, and the people of God, you have all you need for your healing journey.
Join the Journey
1. What is your initial response to this eight-stage biblical approach compared to the typical five-stage approach of the world?
2. What do you think it would be like to apply the stages of grieving (candor, complaint, crying out, and comfort) and the stages of growth (waiting, wailing, weaving, and worshipping) to your grief and growth journey?
I first learned the Kubler-Ross
stages of grief at a Christian college. I understood the factual true-ness of what I was told, but I remember thinking that it sure is a bad ending for grieving… just accepting the fact of the loss and living in the pain forever. The hopelessness of this really hit home when My husband died very unexpectedly. I was thrilled to find this resource for “the rest of the story”…GOD’S ending, which is really just the b
Thanks Bob — this is tremendously helpful for me personally and in my clinical practice. I will definitely check out the book and refer clients to it. Thanks for your faithfulness to God’s call on your life. Blessings — all ways!
Thanks Gret, for your encouraging words. Increasingly I’m hearing from counselors, chaplains, pastors, and small group leaders about how they are using the book to help those to whom they minister.
Bob,
I just posted a link to this article on one of my Facebook groups in response to someone who posted a photo of the 5 Stages of Grief. Just wanted to make you aware that I referred readers to your blog post!
Thank you for providing this resource. This is the link, if you would like to see the FB group “The Widows Walk Grief Support Group” – https://www.facebook.com/groups/63869077910/
that is a good approach to someone who is in that hard moment of grief. can i have some of this articles sent in my E-mail?
I think grieving is a very personal thing and I am finding it really difficult to tell another person how I am feeling after my husband of 30 years past away which is 2.5 years ago. The other thing I am wondering is how long will grieve take, I want to be mentally, physically and spiritually healthy so that I must allow grieve to take its full course.
I know without a doubt the Lord had my life written in His book even before the foundation of the world, I am looking forward to hear from the Lord what I am to do with the rest of my life.
Thank you for this. I am currently taking a Grief and Loss graduate course and, of course, much of the reading is secular based. And I agree that any time you come from a secular point of view, little hope will be offered. I appreciate the work you have done to expound on the ‘typical’ grief process from a Biblical view.
that may be a top approach to a person who is in that hard moment of grief.
Thanks for this great article, Bob.
I’m working with a couple of people who are going through the process of life with debilitating, and terminal diseases. My personal belief is they are well served to be allowed to acknowledge the loss of their health before rushing them to Romans 8:28. Ecclesiastes 3:4 tells us there is a time to weep and a time to mourn. Grief is a natural response to a loss, which can be multiple things. We would never think to rush someone past the allowance of grief in the death of a loved one but it gets a bit less clear when the loss is something else. I fear we may go to “buck up” far quicker when it’s a job, a relationship, a home, health, or something different then death.
As I read your article it was most encouraging to see it can be used in counselling these dear, suffering souls in this journey of their lives. I also use your booklet on anxiety a LOT in my office so thank you for your work in this area too!