How to Get Along When We’ve Been Wronged (Or With People We Think Are Wrong)
Part Two: When Church Leaders Seem Abusive and Non-Responsive
On Monday I posted Part One, One-Sided Thinking, of this mini-series. I was prompted to write this series by comments on my blog. One comment ripped Martin Luther. The other comment linked to sites that skewered a pastor I had highlighted in one of my Best of the Best on the Christian Net. Both comments, as I indicated in Part One, were 100% one-sided.
I emailed the person who posted the links about the pastor. It was a very civil, and I hope a helpful e-conversation. The commenter explained that a major purpose of the sites was to provide a source of healing for those who suffered abuse.
Everyone who follows my biblical counseling ministry knows that I’m convinced that biblical counseling must deal with the evils we have suffered. I even have a label for this “biblical sufferology.” I’ve authored a book on this vital issue, God’s Healing for Life’s Losses: How to Find Hope When You’re Hurting.
If you’ve read the book (and why wouldn’t you?), then you know that I believe in candor about suffering—honesty with ourselves. You also know I believe in complaint/lament—being honest with God about our suffering. So…I’m not a “stuff it” or an “ignore it” person when it comes to a biblical approach to finding God’s healing hope.
You also know that I believe in reconciliation and restoration. So I asked the commenter about the Matthew 18 principle. He replied that the Matthew 18 principle doesn’t work with this pastor and his ministry. He also felt that the blogs keep the pastor from abusing with immunity.
It is a fair issue to ponder. When it seems as if church leadership is not being responsive to concerns, what do members do? When it seems as if church leadership will not follow the Matthew 18 principle, what is a person to do? This is an especially complicated issue when a church is non-denominational and thus there is no “court of appeal” beyond the pastor and the leadership board.
That said, as I read some of the posts about the pastor’s ministry, they struck me as less about healing and more about hurting—hurting the pastor and his ministry. Biblically, I have a hard time finding support for this type of ongoing, public, joint, one-sided, destructive response to perceived hurt.
Biblical counseling includes an understanding of how God designed us, how sin and suffering impact us, and how God brings cure and care to the soul. From this biblical counseling perspective, I have a hard time finding support for ongoing, public, one-sided, group catharsis as a means of healing.
This raises at least two more issues—issues I will address in future posts in this mini-series. First, what interpersonal reconciliation response options could and should be followed when church leadership is non-responsive during a Matthew 18 process?
Second, from a personal “healing” perspective, how should individuals respond and find God’s healing hope when the person who hurt them will not take responsibility?
Join the Conversation
What do you think the Bible says about public group catharsis as a means of public accountability and personal healing?
I really appreciate Bob, how you never beat around the bush! This is such a tough subject matter .Having not read the blog you are referring to, I can’t comment on the exact nature of that writing. However, I agree with what you shared. Matt 18 is a must in this circumstance. Writing a public blog instead of properly doing Matt 18 can make you feel better for the moment, but cause much damage to others as well as your own spiritual growth.
My family have found ourselves stuck in the process of getting to step 2 of this process. We have confronted an elder of our church regarding a matter that personally affects our family. (Our son is engaged to his daughter) We have spent many hours with him in step one and even did step one twice! When you deal with someone who is steeped in deep patterns of anger (he has issues with anger in general, not just us), do you think there is a time that you just count your losses, work on forgiveness without proceeding to the other steps of Matthew 18? We have left the church because of this and other leadership issues.
I would really enjoy picking your brain on this if you get a chance. (I graduated from WBC in 1982) God Bless and thanks again for your article!
Jean, I’ll try to address your questions about “what next” in my next few blog posts. As I indicated at the end of this post, it is at least a two-fold issue: interpersonal (between you and the elder) and personal (between you and God). The first focuses upon what do we do in the restoration process if one party does not want to reconcile. The second focuses on how do we forgive and find God’s healing hope and peace when the person who sinned against us is unrepentant. Let me know your thoughts as I continue to post. Also, feel free to email: rpm.ministries@gmail.com. Bob
The situation hits home and relates to reasons we left a former church a number of years ago. We continue from time to time to have to put and leave those things in the Lord’s hands, and go on with our life in a manner that does not allow what they did or did not do control our life through anger and bitterness…. I look forward to your next posts in this series….
Peace…
Bill, It is hitting home for a number of people…who are emailing me privately. I’m always amazed by how God works. My original purpose in posting this mini-series was more about how not to respond. I was short-sighted. There are a lot of hurt people out there who need loving biblical wisdom to know how to respond–both personally and interpersonally. I’d apprecicate your prayers as I craft further blog posts. There’s no simply, easy, quick, one-size-fits-all answer.