The “How-To” of Confronting in Wisdom & Love
Note: I’ve adapted this two-part blog series on loving and wise confronting from chapter 12 of Spiritual Friends. Read Part 1 here. 
Sense Discrepancies by Carefully Hearing the Human Story and God’s Story
How do we confront in wisdom and love? What does it look like in real life? Remember Larry from Part One. He has anger issues that he’s not facing honestly. Since Larry’s life is not lining up with God’s will, you want to sense discrepancies/inconsistencies.
Listen for Discrepancies between the Human Story and God’s Story
Ask yourself as you interact:
- How is Larry failing to live out God’s grace narrative?
- How is Larry failing to see God’s grace narrative?
- How is Larry failing to live out God’s grace relationships?
- How is Larry failing to live like Christ’s redeemed image bearer?
Listen for Discrepancies within the Human Story
Ponder as you interact:
- Where is Larry seeking false idols instead of worshipping Christ?
- Where is Larry following foolish mindsets rather than wise mindsets?
- Where is Larry pursuing self-centered pathways rather than other-centered ones?
- Where is Larry living according to ungoverned mood states instead of managed moods?
- How is Larry presenting one goal but pursuing another?
- How is Larry living one lifestyle but claiming another?
- How is Larry living a double-minded life filled with trust and doubt?
Listen for Discrepancies between the Spirit and the Flesh
Seek to perceive:
- Inconsistencies: Mixed messages, goals, thoughts, explanations, and feelings.
- Incongruity: Disparity between two statements, between actions and words, as well as between words and non-verbals.
In all of your listening, push for specifics: Stay with one event, one issue, or one situation long enough to sense that you were there as an eye witness.
Provide Feedback Concerning the Discrepancies You Hear
What do you do once you’ve sensed Larry’s spiritual discrepancies? Present statements that raise the issue of: “On the one hand . . . on the other hand . . .”
- On the one hand, I hear you saying that you have a healthy relationship with your co-workers. Yet on the other hand, I sense that you’re unable to sense the impact of your anger on them.
Then allow Larry to confront his own discrepancies:
- On the one hand, I hear you saying that you have a healthy relationship with your co-workers. Yet on the other hand, I sense that you’re unable to sense the impact of your anger on them.
¨ How does this appear to you?
¨ What do you make of this?
¨ How do you put these two together?
The art of confronting discrepancies is essential in all areas of relationship, not only in exposing “sin issues.” The following interactions confront discrepancies in “suffering issues.”
- Your son’s sudden death has left you terribly dejected; you feel this pervasive grief, and at the moment you can find no consolation in your life or your religious faith.
- It’s hard to feel anything but sadness because of your son’s death, and this is made even worse by the feeling that it was terribly unjust, a betrayal by God.
- It’s hard to feel anything but sadness because of your son’s death, but some part of you would welcome genuine faith and consolation.
- One part of you wants some genuine relief from your deep sorrow, but you don’t feel open to the peace and assurance that your faith might give.
- One part of you is terribly angry with God for taking your son from you, but you are reluctant to express that anger, to tell God how you feel and what you think.
All of these conversations display humility and meekness. God never calls you to cause others to lose face or to sense that you think that you’re superior to them. Satan is the enemy. Your spiritual friends are not.
Larry may respond to your biblical, gentle confrontation in any number of ways. He may meet your confrontation with denial. “Nope. Not me. Don’t see it like that at all.”
He may respond with partial acceptance. This may look like quick agreement and may feel like insincere agreement, or it might take the form of shifting blame or making excuses.
Additionally, he may respond with acceptance and acknowledgement that results in repentance (new attitudes), restitution (new actions), and reconciliation (renewed relationships). If this is his response, rejoice. If not, move on to softening stubbornness (the next section in Spiritual Friends.)
Join the Conversation
How is today’s picture of confrontation different from what you may have thought and practiced before?
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