Couples Working the Trust-Soil Together…
Shirley and I continue to watch the Paul Tripp marriage seminar video series based upon his
book, What Did You Expect? I blogged about session 2 here: Who Is the Real Problem in My Marriage? It’s Me!
Session 3 of the video focuses on couples working together to build a sturdy bond of trust. It’s a two-way relationship: each spouse needs to grow in being trustworthy. Also, each spouse needs to grow in being trusting—having faith in God’s trustworthiness so that we can grow in trust of an imperfect spouse. Here’s my summary of Tripp’s video.
Trust Is the Soil in Which Marriage Grows
Because no spouse is perfect, every spouse will do things that make trust more difficult—things that tend toward destabilizing trust. So we have to work daily toward building trust and toward entrusting ourselves to an imperfect spouse.
We often think of trust-building being primarily the result of trust-worthy behaviors. But trust-building is equally the result of trust-giving attitudes. That is, I need to be forgiving and grace-giving toward my imperfect spouse. And, that imperfect spouse (all of us), needs to be humble and honest enough to admit my trust-breaking behaviors. Again, trust-building is a two-way street. As Tripp says, “Trust-building is a mutual construction project.” And, “every marriage, every spouse, must work at building trust.”
5 Trust Questions
Tripp urges each spouse to answer these questions for them self, rather than thinking, “Yep, my spouse needs to work on that one!” Take the mote or speck out of our own eye (Matthew 7:3-5).
- Do I do what I promise?
Tripp notes that it’s not just the big promises that cause trust issues. It’s the micro-promises every day. Do I promise to do something, but fail to do it? Do I promise to be forgiving, but break that promise? Do I promise to quit judging, but break that promise? Am I reliable?
- Am I attentive to what my spouse sees as important?
It’s easy to value what I value. But do I value something simply because I love my spouse and he or she values a particular value? Don’t minimize or mock the concerns of your spouse—that destabilizes trust.
- Do I make excuses for my failure to do what I promised?
How do I respond when my failure is exposed by my spouse, or a friend, or a counselor? Am I defensive? Angry? Do I pout and retreat into pity when my failure is revealed? Or, do I willingly and humbly confess my failure? Must I be perfect in my own eyes and in the eyes of others, or am I able to admit my faults and sins?
- Do I forgive and “re-trust” my spouse when he or she owns up to failure?
Trust in marriage is like the soil in a garden. It must be tended to daily. Weeds must be pulled out. “Nothing breaks the trust atmosphere and environment of the marital soil of trust more than failure to forgive” (Tripp).
- Have I withdrawn from my spouse in self-protective distance?
This builds on question 4. Am I willing to be open and vulnerable—even to an imperfect spouse? Am I defensive and self-protective and unwilling to trust my spouse unless he/she is perfect or does “penance”?
Thus marital trust has two sides: 1.) Growing in keeping promises (albeit imperfectly). 2.) Growing in granting grace and forgiveness when promises are imperfectly kept.
I would add, as I’m sure Tripp would, that there’s an interplay between these and that a pattern of broken promises also requires the grace of loving confrontation… A healthy marriage is a place where spouses speak truth in love to one another so each grows up in Christ.
Trust Is a Matter of Character and the Fruit of the Spirit
The more I reflect the fruit of the Spirit, the more trust grows.
In my promises, do I reflect love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control?
In my responses to my imperfect spouse, do I reflect love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control?
3 Morning Prayers of the Spirit-Dependent, Trust-Building Spouse
Because trust is a matter of growing spiritual maturity, and because spiritual maturity develops as I mature in my relationship to Christ, Tripp encourages spouses to rise each morning to pray:
- “Lord, I confess that I am in desperate need of You to produce the fruit of the Spirit.”
- “Lord, send me your helpers today (people, Scripture, my spouse, etc.) so I can become more like Christ.”
- “Lord, grant me the humility to receive help from You and others.”
6 Ways to Build Trust in Marriage
Again, Tripp urges us to look at the mote/speck in our own eye, rather than pointing to our spouse to follow these 6 trust-building ways.
- Be honest in communication: Ephesians 4:29.
- Be true to your promises.
- Face up to your wrong.
Self-righteousness, pride, and arrogance damage trust. A superior attitude that “you’re wrong and I’m right,” damages trust.
- Nurture your spouse: Philippians 2:1-5.
Look out for the interest of your spouse more than your own interests.
- Keep a short account!
Forgive.
“Unwillingness to forgive pollutes the soil of trust” (Tripp).
“The root of unwillingness to forgive is pride” (Tripp).
- Realize that trust is spiritual warfare: Ephesians 6:10-18.
Admit your need for the Spirit’s help and for prayer and for the armor of God in building trust.
The Core to Trust: Trusting God
The core to trust is not a perfectly trustworthy spouse.
The core to trust is trusting a perfectly trustworthy heavenly Father.
Do I trust my heavenly Father enough to become vulnerable to my imperfect and not-always-trustworthy spouse?
Do I trust my heavenly Father enough to give grace to my imperfect spouse?
Trust in marriage is less about me and my spouse and more about me and my God.
Thoughts for Reflection
What’s the trust-soil like in your heart? What’s the trust-soil like in your marriage?
Which of the principles from Tripp’s video do you most need to ask God to work on in your heart and relationship?
