A Word from Bob: You’re reading the fourth of a multi-part blog series on Christ-centered hope and healing for sexual abuse. I’m developing this series from my P&R Publishing booklet, Sexual Abuse: Beauty for Ashes. You can read:
Journey Three: The Damage of Shame—The Attempted Destruction of Peace/Shalom (2 Samuel 13:13-17)
The end result of the loss of faith and hope is shame. Tamar verbalizes her shame in 13:13.
“What about me? Where could I get rid of my disgrace?”
Do you hear the desperation in her voice? She feels surrounded by disgrace. Wherever she goes she feels as if all eyes are on her, that everyone knows. And she feels as if there is no place of grace that can remedy her disgrace.
Facing Feelings of Self-Contempt
The Hebrew language maintains a two-fold use of the word “disgrace” and both fit the context of sexual abuse. The first use means to feel contempt for oneself, to feel reproach, to feel guilty and filthy. Many sexual abuse victims feel a tremendous amount of false guilt that leads to a sense of worthlessness and soul ugliness.
One way that Ashley (read Ashley’s story in Part 1) conveyed her sense of ugliness and shame was by her inability to make eye contact. She referenced a scene in Les Misérables—the opening scene where the convict Jean val Jean and other prisoners are working like slaves. Treated as sub-human, they’re singing, “Look down, look down! Don’t look ‘em in the eye.” Then one prisoner sings, “Sweet Jesus, hear my prayer!” To which his fellow prisoners retort, “Look down, look down! Sweet Jesus doesn’t care!”
Ashley explained.
“That’s how I feel. So ashamed. I’m convinced that people’s eyes can pierce right into my soul and see the pit of evil that I and everyone else wants to reject. And though I know it’s not true, some days I even wonder if Jesus cares.”
Instead of being an open recipient of grace, Ashley felt like a black hole of disgrace.
Imputed Feelings of Shame
A sexual abuser like Amnon takes delight when his victim feels guilty. This coincides with the second Hebrew use of this word “disgrace”—casting blame on and imputing guilt to another person. We see this clearly in 13:17.
“He called his personal servant and said, ‘Get this woman out of here and bolt the door after her.’”
By putting her out and sending her away, Amnon was shouting the message that she had shamefully approached him and that she was guilty of disgraceful conduct and attempted seduction. He bolts the door as if her femininity is dangerous. Amnon’s actions are clearly designed to paint Tamar as a filthy harlot.
It is chillingly like the modern-day horror stories of the abuser who attempts to silence his victim with lies like, “You’re parents won’t want you if they find out what you did.” “Your Mom would stop loving you and give you up for adoption.” “The police would arrest you for this.”
The combined impact of self-contempt and imputed shame partially explains some of the symptoms that Ashley was experiencing. She struggled with chronic low-grade depression and joylessness, at times turning into full-blown depression and suicidal ideations. She reported that she never enjoyed sex, and, in fact, never enjoyed any pleasures.
While others saw her as so “together,” she often secretly felt like she was “coming unglued, falling apart, near a breakdown.” While others appreciated her kind spirit, she would say, “I don’t even know this person they’re describing. I’m a stranger to myself.” And, “‘Kindness’? That’s just because I’m terrified of anyone ever rejecting me. I’m the stereotypical perfectionistic people-pleaser.”
The Struggle for Shalom
All of these symptoms reflect the opposite of peace, of biblical shalom. Shalom is much more than the absence of enmity or the cessation of warfare. Shalom is the active, calming presence of harmony—relational harmony.
Shalom with God conquers alienation and involves reconciliation and the confidence that through Christ we are accepted in the beloved.
Shalom with others conquers separation and involves connection and the confidence that mutual sacrificial love is possible and desirable.
Shalom with self conquers dis-integration and involves integration and confidence regarding our identity in Christ and a sense of personal wholeness.
The Rest of the Story
Join us in Part 5, where we’ll explore Journey Four: The Damage of Being Used and Feeling Useless—The Attempted Destruction of Love (2 Samuel 13:14-20).
Applying the Gospel to Daily Life
How could these principles from 2 Samuel 13 help you to begin to empathize with and minister to someone who has been sexually abused?
If you have experienced sexual abuse, in response to your abuse, in what ways have you struggled with shame, self-contempt, feelings of rejection and disgrace, guilt, and difficulties connecting deeply?
How does your response to your abuse contrast and compare with Tamar’s response in 2 Samuel 13:13-17? With Ashley’s response?
Excellent series, Bob.
Perhaps my most telling response to sexual abuse is 1) at age 14 saying very clearly to myself, “There is no safe to tell” and 2) remaining silent for 16 years. When I finally shared what happened to me to a 3rd party, I told my story in third person, eyes fixated on a spot on the floor.
Shame? Self-contempt? Feelings of rejection and disgrace? Guilt? Difficulty connecting deeply? Yes. All yes. Of course.