A Word from Bob: You’re reading the fifth of a multi-part blog series on Christ-centered hope and healing for sexual abuse. I’m developing this series from my P&R Publishing booklet, Sexual Abuse: Beauty for Ashes. You can read the rest of this blog mini-series at the links below:
Journey Four: The Damage of Being Used and Feeling Useless—The Attempted Destruction of Love (2 Samuel 13:14-20)
Satan heaps damage on top of damage. In 2 Samuel 13:14, the inspired narrator exposes the damage of being used and feeling useless—the attempted destruction of love. “He raped her.” The Hebrew is brutal. It pictures her lifeless, stiff as a board, frozen like a statue, and left for dead.
Amnon used her, then rejected her.
“Then Amnon hated her with intense hatred. In fact, he hated her more than he had loved her. Amnon said to her, ‘Get up and get out!’” (13:15).
Tamar was used, then abused. She was first regarded, then discarded. Amnon knew nothing about true love. Amnon the rapist, the sexual abuser, is filled with selfishness, acting in unprincipled, self-indulgent, self-interest. What Amnon experienced was lust, not love. He gratified his animal passions and then humiliated her further by casting her off like a filthy rag.[i]
He dehumanizes her. Our modern translations are too polite.
“Get this woman out of here and bolt the door after her.” “Woman” is not in the Hebrew. It is literally, “Get this out of here.” Tamar went from being the king’s daughter and the king-to-be’s sister to being a thing. “Get this thing out of here!” She is nameless—nothing more than an object, disposable trash.
In so doing, Amnon condemns Tamar to a life sentence of desolation. And she realizes it. Her symbolic actions in 13:18-19 portray how she felt that every shred of dignity had been ripped away.
“So his servant put her out and bolted the door after her. She was wearing a richly ornamented robe, for this was the kind of garment the virgin daughters of the king wore. Tamar put ashes on her head and tore the ornamented robe she was wearing.”
No one else looks upon her with love and respect, but the inspired narrator forces us to look at Tamar. God sees. And Tamar sees—she sees her clothes that had proclaimed her royalty and her purity. And she shreds them as Amnon had shredded her.
Matthew Henry insightfully explains that in shedding her virginal clothes, Tamar expresses her loathing for her own beauty and femininity because they had occasioned Amnon’s unlawful lust.[ii]
Sexual abuse is not only physical abuse; it is not only spiritual abuse; it is not only relational abuse; it is also gender abuse. God created us as female image bearers or male image bearers. We are female or male not only in our bodies, but also in the essence of our souls, our selves, our personhood. Sexual abuse abuses a female soul and body or a male soul and body.
The results are clear and formidable. Tamar lays aside her royal ornaments, and retires into a lonely and private existence ever after. Her lot in life is not “happy ever after,” but “lonely and loveless ever after.”
“And Tamar lived in her brother Absalom’s house, a desolate woman” (13:20).
As Matthew Henry summarizes, “she lived in solitude and sorrow.”[iii]
Evil’s most scurrilous work is in destroying our passion to love. Evil destroys love by causing us to feel ashamed of our desire to be loved and to love.
As Ashley, Nate, and I discussed Tamar’s story together, Ashley (read Ashley’s story in Part 1) explained that:
“I can so relate to Tamar. She’s tearing her robes in grief and lament because her heart has been torn. It’s like she’s saying, ‘I’m ruined for love—loveless and worthless. I’m no longer a loved, worthy child of the King. I’m taking off the King’s garments. I’m now useless for the kingdom. Oh, I’ll make it to heaven, but I’ll have nothing to offer my King, because my soul has nothing to offer anyone.’ I know it’s a lie, but I find myself believing it nonetheless.”
Our adversary, the devil, uses sexual abuse to put a choke hold on our redeemed spirit. I imagine him saying, “All right, God, if heaven is Yours, then I want the earth. And if the earth is Yours, then I want to ruin it. And if You promise to keep their souls forever, then I want to pummel their spirits.” The Christian who has been sexually abused, and who succumbs to Satan’s lies, feels used and useless—unable to love and be loved.
Painting Portraits of the Damage Done
Putting it all together, we can suggest four summary pictures that help to frame (but certainly not to understand fully) some of the horrific damage done by sexual abuse.
- The Loss of Faith: The Door of the Heart Bolted Shut
- The Loss of Hope: The Death of Dreams—“Life Has Killed the Dream I Dreamed”
- The Loss of Peace: The Downcast Eyes—“Look Down! Look Down!”
- The Loss of Love: The Torn Robes of the King’s Child
These four images convey and capture four “black holes” of emptiness that often result from sexual abuse.
The Rest of the Story
In Sexual Abuse: Beauty for Ashes, we explore how the gospel of Christ’s grace shines the light of the Son into these black holes. I introduce these biblical truths with these words, under the header of: From Victim to Victor in Christ: Beauty for Ashes:
I understand that some people do not appreciate or accept the “victim” terminology. If by “victim” one means an “ongoing victimization mentality of helplessness and hopelessness,” then I would not choose that word either. However, I fear that sometimes we minimize the horrible sinfulness of abuse and the profound consequences of abuse when we reject the truth that the person who was abused was victimized. Sexual abuse has a perpetrator and a victim. We’ve witness some of the results of this victimization in the biblical narrative of Tamar and in the personal narrative of Ashley.
God’s Word does not pretend. It presents a real and raw picture of the damage done in the life of the sexual abuse victim. At the same time, God’s Word offers authoritative, sufficient, relevant, and profound wisdom for the ongoing journey from victim to victor in Christ.
Of course, even the word “victory” can be misunderstood and mis-applied. Victory does not mean the memories are wiped away. Victory does not mean that all emotions are changed with the snap of a finger or the quoting of a verse. Instead, victory involves a lifelong journey with Christ and the body of Christ.
Applying the Gospel to Daily Life
How could these principles from 2 Samuel 13 help you to begin to empathize with and minister to someone who has been sexually abused?
If you have experienced sexual abuse, in response to your abuse, in what ways have you struggled with feelings of worthlessness and lovelessness?
How does your response to your abuse contrast and compare with Tamar’s response in 2 Samuel 13:14-20? With Ashley’s response?
References
[i]See C. F. Keil and F. Delitzsch, Commentary on the Old Testament: Volume II—Joshua, Judges, Ruth, I & II Samuel (Grand Rapids: Eerdmans, 1980): 399.
[ii]Matthew Henry, The Matthew Henry Commentary (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1961): 344.
[iii]Ibid.
Thank God for using you so well!