A Word from Bob
This series became my book, Consider Your Counsel: Addressing Ten Mistakes in Our Biblical Counseling. For free resources related to the book, and to purchase a copy on sale, go here.
You’re reading Part 2 of a 10-part blog series on 10 Common Mistakes Biblical Counselors Sometimes Make. For Part 1, see: Mistake #1: We Elevate Data Collection Above Soul Connection. (Part 1 also contains further background, explanation, and “motivation” for this series.)
Mistake #2: We Share God’s Eternal Story Before We Listen Well and Wisely to Our Friend’s Earthly Story
In Part 1, we noted the importance of listening.
“He who answers before listening—that is his folly and his shame” (Proverbs 18:13).
“Everyone should be quick to listen and slow to speak” (James 1:19).
I’ve found that many of us use an abbreviated listening method that I call:
Listen & Pounce!
The Shallow “Concordance Approach” to the Bible and Biblical Counseling
Oh, we listen all right, but we’re basically listening for key words that we think give us permission to interrupt our counselee and interject our “wisdom” before we’ve truly heard the other person.
A wife might be ten minutes into sharing her story in counseling when she slips out the word “fear.” Something internally nudges at our mind and we think:
“She said ‘fear.’ I know a verse for fear!”
And we proceed to preach at her 2 Timothy 1:6-7 about not having a spirit of timidity or fear, but a spirit of power, love, and wisdom as she clings to Christ. We use a “concordance approach” to Scripture that makes the Bible a shallow answer book rather than the redemptive gospel story that it is.
There are a multitude of possibilities about what might really be going on in this woman’s situation and soul. For example, if we really kept listening to this young wife, we might possibly learn that she is not experiencing sinful fear, but realistic, legitimate fear at the hands of an abusive husband. By preaching 2 Timothy 1:6-7 to her, we may well shame her into thinking the issue is her problem—she’s not submissive enough to her husband and she’s not trusting God enough.
Remember 2 Pictures: 2 Ears & Pivot Feet
So, if we’re not simply listening for words to pounce on, what are we doing? We’re listening to the whole person’s whole story as we listen together to God’s redemptive story.
When I’m teaching this, I’ll say, “Now, hands off your Surface Pro, eyes up, take a look at me.” I’ll continue, as I cup one ear, “With one ear, we’re always listening patiently, compassionately, and wisely to the person’s earthly story of suffering, pain, struggle, sin, sanctification…” Then I’ll cup my other ear. “Simultaneously, we’re always listening—together—to Christ’s eternal story of the cross: redemption, resurrection, reign, and return.”
Then I’ll switch metaphors. “Now, watch my feet. With one foot, we enter deeply and personally into their story, situation, and soul. With the other foot, we pivot into and journey together to Christ’s story of redemptive hope. Our calling is to move between two worlds, between two stories and help our counselees to see how Christ’s redemptive story intersects and invades their troubling story…”
Dietrich Bonhoeffer powerfully captures the essence of this dual listen.
“For Christians, pastoral care differs essentially from preaching in that here the task of listening is joined to the task of speaking the Word. There is also a kind of listening with half an ear that presumes already to know what the other person has to say. This impatient, inattentive listening really despises the other Christian and finally is only waiting to get a chance to speak and thus to get rid of the other. This sort of listening is no fulfillment of our task. But Christians have forgotten that the ministry of listening has been entrusted to them by the one who is indeed the Great Listener and in whose work they are to participate. We should listen with the ears of God, so that we can speak the Word of God” (Life Together, 99).
It’s Not “Listen & Pounce;” It’s Lingering Listening
Moving between these two worlds, these two stories—our friend’s story and God’s story—requires lingering listening where we listen well and wisely to the person’s situation and to their soul. This is vital for a number of reasons; I’ll highlight two.
First, we earn the right to explore Scripture with another person by deeply caring about the person’s situation and soul. It’s similar to evangelism. It’s the rare person who wants to hear us share about Christ if they don’t know us, or, if they don’t know that we care about them.
In 1 Thessalonians 2, Paul models the vital connection between the message, the messenger, and the person receiving the message. Paul doesn’t just dispense facts. He shares Scripture and soul as he relates to them as a brother, mother, father, child/orphan, and mentor.
Second, we learn the right Scriptures to explore by richly understanding our friend’s situation and soul. Biblical counseling is not: 1 problem—1 verse—1 solution—every person. Biblical counseling is not one-size-fits-all.
Biblical counseling is the personal ministry of the Word where we explore together the specific biblical passages and scriptural principles that best relate to this particular person.
Biblical counseling is God’s wisdom for life in a broken world—a fallen, messy world that requires depth of insight, not shallow platitudes.
The Biblical Counselor’s Prayer
That’s why, we pray without ceasing the Biblical Counselor’s Prayer:
“And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God” (Philippians 1:9-11).
This passage and prayer teaches us that rather than one-size-fits-all advice, we seek person-specific wisdom from above. As a unique image bearer sits across from us, we pray:
“Father, what particular aspect of hope in Christ does this unique friend’s soul need in his or her specific situation?”
To connect God’s story and people’s story, we must listen, not prattle, as Bonhoeffer again reminds us.
“Many people are looking for an ear that will listen. They do not find it among Christians because Christians are talking where they should be listening. But he who can no longer listen to his brother will soon no longer be listening to God either; he will be doing nothing but prattle in the presence of God too. One who cannot listen long and patiently will presently be talking beside the point and never really be speaking to others. Anyone who thinks that his time is too valuable to spend keeping quiet will eventually have no time for God and his brother, but only for himself and his own follies” (Life Together, 97-98).
Counsel Like the Holy Spirit
Here’s our tendency when we hear a problem. We want to race in with Romans 8:28 and preach how God works all things together for good… Great verse. Powerful. And our desire to share it is often motivated by compassion for the person and confidence in God’s Word.
But scroll your eyes up two verses to Romans 8:26 and note that before the Spirit guides into all truth, the Spirit groans together with suffering saints. The Spirit knowing us and suffering with us is the context for the Spirit highlighting God’s affectionate sovereignty over us. That’s a powerful personal ministry principle:
Groaning Before Guiding
Do we groan before we guide? Do we feel before we fix? Do we understand before we speak?
Yes, speak truth in love. But first…love. Know. Listen. Relate. Care. Connect. Comfort. Groan. Counsel like the Holy Spirit who groans as He guides.
Counsel Like Christ
We’re told in John 2:24-25 that Jesus did not entrust Himself to anyone because he knew what was in every person. In the next two chapters of John, this “people-wisdom” guided Jesus to minister very differently to two very different people.
In one corner: Nicodemas, the male, Jewish religious leader. In the other corner: the female, irreligious Samaritan woman.
Read John 3 and 4 and detect the particular aspects of gospel hope that Jesus focused on as he ministered to these two very unique souls with two very different and specific life situations. Jesus understood each individual and tailored His message and His method to their distinctive story. Jesus does not model one-size-fits-all counsel. Our Divine Counselor models person-specific biblical counseling.
Assessing Our Biblical Counseling
- In our biblical counseling, do we listen and pounce—preaching at people and doing so unwisely and prematurely. Or, do we practice lingering listening to the person’s situation and soul—their whole story?
- As biblical counselors, do we see our calling as journeying together with our counselees so they can grasp how Christ’s redemptive story intersects and invades their troubling story?
- As biblical counselors, do we follow the model of the Holy Spirit—the Divine Counselor within us—Who groans before and as He guides?
- As biblical counselors, do we follow the model of Jesus—the Wonderful Counselor—by seeking to understand each individual and by tailoring our exploration of Scripture to their distinctive situation, story, and soul?
The Rest of the Story
I invite you to join us for Part 3:
Mistake #3: We Talk at Counselees Rather Than Exploring Scripture with Counselees
