In Gospel Conversations: How to Care Like Christ, I present a model of counseling people who are suffering. It includes biblical sustaining empathy and biblical healing hope.
- Sustaining: “It’s Normal to Hurt”—Empathizing and Sharing Christ’s Comfort (2 Corinthians 1:3-9)
- Healing: “It’s Possible to Hope”—Encouraging and Sharing Christ’s Healing Hope (2 Corinthians 1:9)
Empathize Before You Encourage: Lingering Listening & Soul Connection
Many of us, when helping a hurting brother or sister in Christ, tend to race to healing hope. For instance, we jump right to quoting Romans 8:28 about God working all things together for good. It’s an amazingly powerful verse, of course.
However, do we stop to consider what comes before Romans 8:28? Before the Spirit focuses on eternal hope, the Spirit groans with us—Romans 8:26-27.
Consider 2 Corinthians 1:9. Paul finds healing hope by clinging to the God who raises the dead. So, we sprint to that Scripture when someone comes to us in pain.
But again, do we ponder what precedes 2 Corinthians 1:9? It’s inspired Scripture about the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort (2 Corinthians 1:3-4) and about our calling to comfort one another with God’s comfort (2 Corinthians 1:4-7). It’s also Paul’s candid lament about how he despaired of life and felt the sentence of death.
God’s Word teaches lingering listening and soul connection.
God’s Word doesn’t shout hope into a vacuum. God’s Word speaks hope compassionately into the specific situation of a unique soul—listening to, groaning with, identify with, empathizing with, and coming along side with comfort.
A Testimonial
Recently, I spent a couple of months counseling a mature pastor who was struggling with depression. After we wrapped up our counseling time together, I asked him four questions. He’s given me permission to share my questions and his answers.
His responses illustrate the power of biblical empathy and Christlike comfort: the power of weeping with those who weep (Romans 12:15) and suffering with those who suffer (1 Corinthians 12:26).
My overarching question to my friend and counselee was:
“But how does sustaining empathy really help? Why not go right to healing hope?”
- My Question: “How would it have short-circuited the process in your life if I had raced us to hope, before hearing your hurt, identifying with your suffering, and grieving with you?”
- My Friend’s Answer: “It would have prevented me from appropriately grieving things I needed to grieve. I tend to be one who tries to stuff negative feelings and simply presses forward, but I had gotten myself to a place where I couldn’t keep doing that. If you would have raced to hope, it would have reinforced an unhealthy pattern in my life, and it would have extended my struggle with depression. I would have either faked hope (because a good Christian is supposed to be hopeful!), or I would have concluded that I am hopeless.”
- My Question: “How did it help you and minister to you when I patiently stayed with you in your pain and hurt?”
- My Friend’s Answer: “It communicated great care for me that you were willing to be patient and take the time to do this. I didn’t feel like a project to fix. I didn’t feel like you were too busy. This was a tangible expression of God’s love and care for me. You were Jesus with skin on, and this helped me to experience and grasp what I know to be true of God, but had lost sight of.”
- My Question: “How did empathizing with your feelings of despair prepare the soil of your soul for celebrating Christ’s resurrection hope?”
- My Friend’s Answer: “Like Paul in 2 Corinthians 1:8-9, I needed to sit in my casket of despair in order to truly see the Lord who raises the dead as my only hope. This season reminded me how desperate I am for His resurrection power, which in turn leads me to celebration that Jesus is risen and His power really is available to me. My joy was increased because I experienced the depth of my need coupled with seeing the abundance of Christ’s provision. All of this came home to me in a very practical, concrete way.”
- My Question: “Why was it important for us to start with inviting lament and groaning together, rather than to start with a focus on ‘suffering well’ or racing to hoping in God?”
- My Friend’s Answer: “This was crucial because I needed to be raw and honest with God. To bypass lament would have hindered the real, intimate relationship with the Father that I needed renewed in order to hope in Him. In other words, lament was what I needed to walk through during this season of suffering—living face-to-face with God rather than turning away from Him.”
Counseling Is “Spaghetti Relationships”
When equipping biblical counselors, I often say that “counseling is ‘spaghetti relationships.’” What I mean is, counseling is not a nice neat, magical, linear, step-by-step process. Loving biblical counseling is messy; it’s real and raw. It’s rich and relational.
I mention that now to explain that it’s not like I was checking off “sustaining boxes” and never interacting about Christ’s healing hope. Of course we blended in hurt and hope all the time. But the point is, I was not racing to hope; I was not shoving my friend to hope.
Instead, we journeyed slowly together into the depths of my pastor friend’s suffering and depression. As I accepted his invitation into his hurt; then, as my friend explained above, he could readily accept my invitation into Christ’s healing hope.
Join the Conversation
In your life, who has raced you to healing hope before ever truly stopping to hear your suffering, pain, and feelings of despair? How did that process perhaps short circuit deep healing hope?
In your life, who has “listened long” and patiently entered your despair as you traveled together into your suffering toward the road to heavenly hope? How did their empathy encourage you to cling to the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort?
