Resurrection-Focused Marriage Counseling: Offering Hope to Hurting Couples

A Word from Bob

Today is Part 2 of a two-part blog mini-series on biblical marriage counseling. Part 1 focused on Having Hope as a Marriage Counselor. Part 2 focuses on Offering Hope to Hurting Couples. I’ve developed these two posts from Chapter 5 of my new book, Gospel-Centered Marriage Counseling: An Equipping Guide for Pastors and Counselors.

Trusting God to Do Abundantly More Than We Can Imagine 

Armed with hope in God, as counselors (see Part 1) we can now offer hope to hurting couples. Resurrection-focused marital counseling never denies suffering and sin. Just the opposite. Hope-based counselors keep their eyes wide open to suffering and sin while looking with spiritual eyes to the God who sustains and heals couples in their marital suffering and reconciles and guides couples to overcome their marital sinning.

Though we empathize with hurting couples, we do not join with them in their shrunken perspective. All too often couples wait so long to seek help that by the time couples enter counseling their eyes are wide shut. They present to us shrunken marital narratives:

• Concerning Self: “I don’t have the resources, even in Christ, to deal with these problems.”

• Concerning Their Spouse: “She’s all to blame.” “He doesn’t want to work on this.”

• Concerning Their Marital Partnership: “We don’t have what it takes to make this marriage work.” “Our mess is beyond cleaning up; we may as well give up.”

• Concerning God: “Where are Your great and precious promises when we really need them?” “Where are You when we really need You?” 

Infusing Resurrection Hope 

Our primary initial role involves infusing resurrection hope. We need to undeceive couples. They buy Satan’s lie that their marriage is hopeless and they are helpless. They begin to give into despair and then despair creeps into shaming and blaming each another. Rather than joining together to hate Satan, the great Divorcer, they begin to hate and emotionally divorce each other. 

We offer couples a narrative with the subtitle “Building Loving Marriages that Last through All the Storms of Life. We join with them so that they can divorce their old marriage and begin a new one with the same spouse.

To infuse hope, we must have respect for the couple. We must believe that because they are image bearers they have a God-created design and desire to leave, cleave, weave, and receive (Genesis 2:23-35). Sometimes we cannot see that desire. It seems deeply buried, even carefully hidden. However, based upon our theology, we can unconditionally respect their potential in Christ to avail themselves of God’s resources to sustain, heal, reconcile, and guide each other.

Infusing Hope During the First Contact

Our word “crisis” has its etymological roots in the Greek verb “krinein,” which means “to judge, to choose.” A marital crisis is a moment when spouses (and counselors) must choose among various perspectives and opportunities which present themselves.

Couples can perceive a marital crisis as a time to cut and run. Or, they can perceive a crisis as the time to run to the Father and turn more deeply to Christ. In our initial contact we point couples to Christ in the midst of their crisis.

We want to convey the resurrection reality that through Christ couples can revitalize their marriage. It does not happen overnight. It is not easy. But through God, couples can renew and deepen their loyal love for each other. 

A hurting couple contacts you. You listen, empathize, pray, and arrange a first meeting. Your first contact is almost over and your first meeting may not be for a week. How do you leave them? What concrete acts of hope can they participate in?

Infusing Hope Through “Trialogues”

To answer these questions, I need to introduce the concept of “trialogues.” One of the great advantages of the personal ministry of the Word (biblical counseling) is the ability to engage in back-and-forth conversations about how biblical principles and scriptural passages relates to life. I call these “trialogues.” In a monologue, I speak to the counselee or couple, teaching them truth. In a dialogue, we talk to each other. But in a trialogue, there are three conversation partners: me, the counselee/couple, and God through his Word.

Trialogues are another way of picturing “gospel conversations”—we converse about the difference the gospel/Scripture makes in the particulars of a marital relationship. I encourage the use of two types of trialogues.

• Spiritual Conversation Trialogues: We engage the couple in thinking about the application of relevant scriptural principles.

• Scriptural Exploration Trialogues: We engage the couple in discussing specific application of pertinent biblical passages.

Consider two examples of hope-filled trialogues during initial contact with couples…

I received call and almost immediately the tears were so heavy I could barely understand what this troubled wife was saying. As I listened and empathized, I asked if I could pray for her, her husband, and their marriage. We arranged a first marriage counseling meeting, and then I asked her if she and her husband would do their marriage a favor.

“Many couples report that the act of asking for help starts a positive chain reaction. It’s a biblical principle. When we are weak, then in Christ we are strong. God gives grace to the humble. God hears the cry of the needy. So, over the next few days, would the two of you be on the lookout for and jot down any positive changes in your relationship that God is helping you to make.”

This is a trialogue that focused on pondering and applying scriptural principles: spiritual conversation.

Another husband and wife asked to speak with me after church. Haltingly and tearfully sharing their marital hurts, I listened and we prayed together. We agreed to meet that coming Wednesday evening. They had mentioned searching Scriptures about their marriage. I affirmed that and engaged them in a trialogue focused on exploring and applying a specific biblical passage: scriptural exploration.

“Between now and Wednesday, jot down the passages you’ve been exploring. And jot down where you see God’s love, concern, comfort, and compassion for each of you and for your marriage. Also jot down the promises God gives you in His Word that you can begin claiming and applying…”

Infusing Hope Through Initial Paperwork

While a detailed Personal Information Form (PIF) is very helpful, I have found that hurting couples often do not have the mental/emotional energy to share such exhaustive information before the first meeting. Plus, in some church cultures, the idea of completing a lengthy form before getting to talk to a pastor feels too clinical.

So, I typically reserve the longer PIF for after our first meeting. Before our first meeting, I ask each spouse to complete a one-page, five-question sheet (Marriage Counseling Goals and Focus form) and return it to me before we meet. Here are the five questions: 

1. What are the top 2 or 3 areas in your heart, actions, attitude, and way of relating to your spouse that you want help changing so that you can be more Christlike and your marriage can be more Christ-honoring?

2. What are the top 2 or 3 strengths that you see in your spouse that you want to affirm?

3. What are the top 2 or 3 aspects of your marriage that you want help changing so that your marriage can be more Christ-honoring?

4. Let’s create an Ephesians 3:14-21 vision for your marriage (please read Ephesians 3:14-21).

• Think ahead 3 months. As God does exceedingly, abundantly above all that you could ask or imagine in your heart and in your marriage, what 2 or 3 amazing changes are you envisioning, praying for, and hoping for?
• What needs to happen in your heart and in your relationship so that through Christ’s strength these amazing changes start occurring?

5. What else do you want us to know, think about, or focus on in our times together?

Notice a few aspects of the Marriage Counseling Goals and Focus form:

• It starts with the mote in their eye (question 1): “…the top 2 or 3 areas in your heart…” Couples come to us focused on their spouse’s faults. Question 1 focuses first on one’s own issues.

• It starts with an assumption of change and growth: “…that you want help changing…”

• It starts with a Christ-centered focus: “…so that you can be more Christlike and your marriage can be more Christ-honoring…”

• It asks for strengths to affirm in one’s spouse (question 2). Even in the messiest marriages, spouses should be encouraged to identify strengths in their spouse.

• It does not ignore problems (question 3). It asks for the top 2 or 3 marriage problems that the couple wants us to address.

• It casts a future vision by asking the Ephesians 3:14-21 question about what God can do in their marriage above all that they ask or imagine (question 4a). This is the most important, hope-inducing question on the form. I have never had a couple be unable to answer this.

• It connects Christ’s strength and their heart change as the biblical foundation for marital hope (question 4b). 

Join the Conversation 

1. In this post, you read some of the shrunken marital narratives that couples have about: a.) themselves, b.) their spouse, c.) their marital partnership, and d) God. What shrunken marital narratives have you heard from couples in those areas?

2. A marital crisis is a choice point—between running away from their marriage, or running to Christ. What can you do to point couples to Christ in the midst of their marital crisis?

3. You read two examples of trialogues that infuse hope during first contact. What are trialogues you could use to infuse hope during the initial contact?

4. Reread the 5 questions on the Marriage Counseling Goals and Focus Which of the questions seems most important to you in infusing hope? What additional question(s) would you add? Why?