A Word from Bob: With this being Valentines’ Weekend, I thought I’d share a post on marriage. I’m taking today’s thoughts from my new book Gospel-Centered Marriage Counseling.
Leave, Cleave, Weave, and Receive
Every pastor and biblical counselor wants to help couples enjoy a God-glorifying, mutually-meaningful marriage. Many of us have used the Genesis 2:23-25 creation marital narrative of “leave, cleave, weave, and receive.”
So why are so many Christian marriages still struggling? Perhaps because we’ve used these four “pillars” in a solution-focused way, instead of in a gospel-centered, soul-u-tion-focused manner. I confess I did that for several years when I began offering marriage counseling. So, I want us to think together about how to use these pillars to address heart motivation when seeking to build oneness in marriage.
Oneness in Marriage Pillar #1: “Leaving”
In Genesis 2:24, we read:
“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother…”
The Hebrew word for “leave” means to sever, cut, untie. We might say, “cut the apron strings”—meaning to cut the umbilical cord of dependence upon parents. Throughout the first five books of the Old Testament, Moses used this Hebrew word with the idea of forsaking, especially forsaking one allegiance for another.
Here’s the concept in context: spouses are to shift their core loyalty from parent to spouse. There will always be a parent-child loyalty even as adult child to adult parents. However, the core loyalty, the principal commitment, now transfers to the spouse as our most important human devotion.
Why is “leaving” vital from a gospel-centered, Spirit-dependent perspective? Ponder how this idea might be misused without a gospel-centered reality.
“Finally! I’m free from Mom and Dad!” The heart implication is still, “It’s all about me! Leaving and shifting loyalty is all about my freedom.”
Consider how to apply leaving from a gospel-centered focus.
“Our core loyalty to each other displays our core loyalty to Christ. Our marriage relationship is ultimately all about being marital ambassadors who show the world how Christ and his bride are faithfully devoted to each other.”
The biblical principle of “leaving” can be applied to a self-centered heart or to a Christ-centered heart. The marital application will be entirely different dependent upon the heart motivation.
Does “heart motivation” mean we can’t make practical applications? Not at all. But be sure to hear our central point—address the heart first. Apply truth to a heart growing in Christlikeness instead of applying truth to a hard, self-centered heart.
When I teach on leaving, I start with heart motivation, and then I share Three In-Law By-Laws as one possible way to apply this principle.
- In-Law By-Law # 1/Other-Centered: Seek to understand and appreciate your spouse’s family of origin—their culture, way of doing things, likes and dislikes, etc.
- In-Law By-Law # 2: Christ-Centered: Seek to create one new family culture to honor Christ—merge, blend, and integrate your two different families of origin into one new, united “you.”
- In-Law By-Law #3: Marriage-Centered: Prioritize the husband-wife relationship over all other human relationships—honor your parents, love your children, encourage your church, engage your community, but prioritize your marriage for God’s glory.
Oneness in Marriage Pillar #2: “Cleaving”
Moses continues in Genesis 2:24:
“…and be united to his wife…”
The Hebrew word “united” has the idea of attachment, permanence, keeping together, bonding, tying a knot. We might picture it as Ultra Glue or Guerrilla Glue. The Hebrew word is used throughout the Old Testament for the attachment of muscle to a bone, and of the life-and-death tight grip of the hand to a sword in combat.
I recall participating in a wedding early in my ministry. The pastor who performed the majority of the ceremony was from India as was the couple. During the ceremony, the minister looked at the groom with utmost seriousness and said, “What God has joined together, let no one separate.” Then, making eye contact with the bride, he repeated, “What God has joined together, let no one separate.” The silence in the sanctuary was deafening. Looking at the parents and then at the rest of the gathered celebrants, he repeated a third time, “What God has joined together, let no one separate.” I was trembling at this point—and I was not the one getting married! The sacredness of that moment and the sanctity of the marital vows crushed down on me in a fresh way. Marriage is a permanent cleaving together.
Even this sacred truth of cleaving can be misapplied when our hearts are hard. If we could read the mind of the bride or groom, they might be thinking:
“Finally! I can feel loved. Someone will be devoted only and always to me!”
At one level, the longing for marital love is pure and proper. But at another level, the demand that I be loved so that I feel like a somebody can poison that pure longing.
What might cleaving sound like from a gospel-centered, Spirit-dependent perspective?
“Lord, thank you that we can focus on loving each other. May our loyal love be a reflection of your loyal covenant loyalty to us in Christ. When folks marvel at our commitment, may we point them back to your eternal commitment and our eternal security in Christ.”
So, to the soft heart clinging to Christ, what are some practical implications of cleaving to one another? Consider these Four Gospel Communion and Communication Principles from Ephesians 4:25-32.
- Speak Truthful Words with Love/Ephesians 4:25: “Father, as we cleave together, empower us toward the mutual ministry of speaking gospel truth to each other for your glory.”
- Speak Controlled Words with Patience/Ephesians 4:26-28: “Father, we are not ignorant about Satan’s schemes. He wants to use our anger to separate what you have joined together. In our anger, help us not to sin, but to seek sanctification together in Christ.”
- Speak Encouraging Words with Wisdom/Ephesians 4:29-30: “Father, help us to know each other so well that our words uniquely and specifically bring life to each other.”
- Speak Gospel/Grace Words with Humility/Ephesians 4:31-32: “Father, when sin seeks to separate, remind us of your forgiving grace and grant us strength to give grace to each other.”
Oneness in Marriage Pillar #3: “Weaving”
Adam spoke poetic words of weaving in Genesis 2:23:
“This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man.”
Moses spoke similar words in Genesis 2:24.
“…and they will become one flesh.”
He is portraying the image of the merging of two into one. This idea is not just physical, sexual union, though the act of marriage does portray that oneness. The Hebrew word for “flesh” (basar) is consistently used for the whole person—body, soul, and spirit. Moses is speaking not only of body oneness, but also of soul oneness.
The Old Testament illustrates this concept of oneness with the picture of strands of silk woven into a beautiful, resilient tapestry. In modern times, we seek to illustrate this concept with the unity candle where two separate flames merge to build one new united flame. In “weaving,” two independent beings become inter-dependent and intertwined in one beautiful tapestry.
Even this beautiful portrait can be marred by our sometimes ugly hearts. Without a gospel-centered perspective, we might hear “cleaving” simply as:
“Finally, someone will love me and be one with me—complete me—and my self-image and self-esteem will blossom!”
There is nothing wrong with marital completion, but that longing can be marred by a self-centered focus. We also might hear “cleaving” and be thinking:
“Finally, fun sex without guilt!”
As Scripture says, the marital bed is undefiled and meant to be joyous. However, if the only or primary goal of marriage is sexual pleasure for me, then I have missed the gospel beauty of marriage—even of marital sexuality.
To the gospel-centered, Spirit-dependent heart the mindset behind “cleaving” can be:
“Thank you, Lord, for the marital joy of oneness in body, soul, and spirit. May I bring my spouse pleasure in every way, and may our mutual oneness reflect the Trinity’s eternal dance of unity!”
To gospel-centered hearts, I’ll sometimes share Three Tapestry Principles.
- Realize That to Unravel Is to Ruin: Distance, discord, divisiveness, and divorce all tear apart body, soul, and spirit because the two are now one.
- Discover Who We Are Together in Christ: Individually, God has fearfully and wonderfully made you. Now as one, seek to discern and celebrate your joint identify in Christ.
- Weave Together One Shared Husband/Wife Grace Narrative: Your marriage is one page in Christ’s grand redemptive narrative. What’s the title of your grace narrative?
Oneness in Marriage Pillar #4: “Receiving”
Moses concludes his inspired creation narrative of the first marriage and every marriage after that with “receiving.”
“The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame” (Gen. 2:25).
Naked and unashamed portrays intimacy in the sense of into-me-see. Another person sees into my soul and does not judge me, but accepts, treasures, and values me. The idea is grace-knowing—awareness of my flaws, faults, imperfections, blemishes, weaknesses, sins, and flaw without rejection. And, awareness of my uniqueness, beauty, strengths, gifts, and Christlikeness without demanding that I have to be perfect to be accepted, wanted, and valued.
For Adam and Eve, originally there was no sin to cause any shame. Unlike them, we need a Romans 5:8 approach to our spouse. “But God demonstrated his own love for us in this: While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us”—grace-knowing.
Without a gospel-centered focus, “receiving” can become a demand that my spouse wink at my sins, ignore my faults, and accept me without seeking to help me to mature in Christ. With a gospel-centered, Spirit-dependent mindset, because we are safe and secure in Christ, we invite our spouse to speak into our life—with challenge when needed, with encouragement when desired, or with affirmation when that is appropriate.
To a couple with soft hearts, I’ll share Three Intimacy Instructions.
- Risk Openness: To be seen, you must be vulnerable and transparent, real and raw. Because you are secure in Christ, you can risk exposure with your spouse—so you can grow together in grace.
- Respond Graciously: This involves applying Matthew 7:3-5 to your marital relationship—being willing to see and address the log in your own eye.
- Restore Humbly: When your spouse fails Christ or you, this means applying Galatians 6:1 (responding gently and humbly) with a desire not to protect your spouse’s self-image, but with the desire to promote the image of Christ in both of you.
Join the Conversation
We started each section on “leaving, cleaving, weaving, and receiving” with a discussion of the biblical, gospel-centered meaning of each marital concept. Which of the four concepts seems most important to you in your marriage if you are married—and how could you apply it? Which seems most important in your marriage counseling ministry?
At the end of each section on “leaving, cleaving, weaving and receiving,” we shared some practical implications—flowing out of a gospel-softened heart. What might it look like for you to apply gospel-centered leaving, cleaving, weaving, and receiving in your marriage?
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