If you provide biblical marriage counseling for struggling couples, then I don’t have to tell you that marriage counseling is hard work. Troubled couples can find it difficult to identify the most pressing issues in their marriage.
While a detailed Personal Information Form (PIF) is very helpful, I have found that hurting couples often do not have the mental/emotional energy to share such exhaustive information before the first meeting. Plus, in some church cultures, the idea of completing a lengthy form before getting to talk to a pastor or counselor feels too clinical.
So, I typically reserve the longer PIF for after our first meeting. Before our first meeting, I ask each spouse to complete a one-page, five-question form—The Marriage Counseling Goals and Focus Form—and return it to me before we meet. I’ve found that this brief form brings great clarity to the issues we need to address. And, it provides us with enough initial information for several sessions worth of helpful marriage counseling. The Marriage Counseling Goals and Focus Form helps couples and counselors collaboratively develop Christ-centered goals.
The Marriage Counseling Goals and Focus Form
For a one-page Word edition of the form, go here: The Marriage Counseling Goals and Focus Form. Here are the five questions:
- What are the top 2 or 3 aspects of your marriage that you want help changing so that your marriage can be more Christ-honoring? What are the main reasons that you want to meet with a biblical counselor for marriage counseling?
- What are the top 2 or 3 areas in your heart, actions, attitude, and way of relating to your spouse that you want help changing so that you can be more Christlike and your marriage can be more Christ-honoring?
- What are the top 2 or 3 strengths that you see in your spouse that you want to affirm?
- Let’s create an Ephesians 3:14-21 vision for your marriage (please read Ephesians 3:14-21).
a. Think ahead 3 months. As God does exceedingly, abundantly above all that you could ask or imagine in your heart and in your marriage, what 2 or 3 amazing changes are you envisioning, praying for, and hoping for?
b. What needs to happen in your heart and in your relationship so that through Christ’s strength these amazing changes start occurring?
- What else do you want us to know, think about, or focus on in our times together?
Focusing Our Marriage Counseling Ministry
Notice a few aspects of the Marriage Counseling Goals and Focus Form:
- In a limited amount of space, it encourages each spouse to summarize the most pressing issues their marriage is facing (question 1).
- It starts with an assumption of change and growth: “…that you want help changing…”
- It starts with a Christ-centered focus: “…so that your marriage can be more Christ-honoring…”
- It does not ignore problems. It asks for the top 2 or 3 marriage problems that the couple wants us to address.
- It then focuses on the mote in the husband or wife’s own eye (question 2): “…the top 2 or 3 areas in your heart…” Couples come to us focused on their spouse’s faults. Question 2 focuses them also on their own issues.
- It asks for strengths to affirm in one’s spouse (question 3). Even in the messiest marriages, spouses should be encouraged to identify strengths in their spouse.
- It casts a future vision by asking the Ephesians 3:14-21 question about what God can do in their marriage above all that they ask or imagine (question 4a). This is the most important, hope-inducing question on the form. I have never had a couple be unable to answer this.
- It connects Christ’s strength and their heart change as the biblical foundation for marital hope (question 4b).
- It empowers each spouse by asking them to collaborate with their counselor in identifying the focus (question 5).
More Marriage Counseling Resources
I talk more about marriage counseling and The Marriage Counseling Goals and Focus Form in Gospel-Centered Marriage Counseling: An Equipping Guide for Pastors and Counselors. Learn more about the book and download free resources here.
Join the Conversation
Which of the five questions in the Marriage Counseling Goals and Focus Form do you think are most important? What additional question(s) would you add? Why?
