A Word from Bob
In a recent post, I asked you to imagine with me if Heman in Psalm 88 were to share his soul with a soulless counselor. You can read that post here: Psalm 88: “The Dark Night of the Soul.” If Heman Saw a Miserable Counselor.
Also, you can download a free twenty-four page PDF of both posts, here: Biblical Counseling and the Dark Night of the Soul: If Heman Saw Two Very Different Counselors!
Imagine If…
While there is much we can learn from bad examples about what not to do and say, and how not to counsel, there’s also much we can learn from good examples. So, in today’s post, I’m asking you to:
Imagine with me if Heman in Psalm 88 were to share his soul with a biblical soul physician, with a compassionate soul care giver.
What might it be like for a human counselor to offer Heman a taste of the Father’s divine counsel—our Father of compassion and God of all comfort (2 Corinthians 1:3-4)?
Some Initial Relational Reflections…
Of course, there is no one-size-fits-all approach to caring for a hurting person like Heman. So the following imagined dialogue is simply one way a compassionate biblical counseling conversation with Heman might begin…
While compassionate listening is always vital, being an initial session it is especially important to hear Heman’s situational story and soul story. And in doing this, we want to focus not simply on data collection, but even more on soul connection (1 Thessalonians 2:7-8).
In this session, and throughout every meeting with Heman, we want to do dual listening. We want to listen empathetically to Heman’s earthly story of suffering and hurt, while listening together to and carefully weaving in God’s eternal, heavenly story of hope and help (Philippians 1:9-11).
Heman Sees a Comforting Counselor
Comforting Counselor (CC): “Heman, I’m honored that you would seek me out as someone to care for your soul during this very difficult time in your life. I know you wouldn’t highlight any of this, because you’re a humble man, but I know a bit about you and your background. Your great-grandmother is Hannah (1 Chronicles 6:33), who prayed to the Lord for the birth of your grandfather Samuel (1 Samuel 1). You have the godly reputation as one of the wisest men of your generation (1 Kings 4:31). You’ve served as the king’s biblical counselor (1 Chronicles 25:5). You serve King David as the worship leader in the house of the Lord, and your godly sons serve with you (1 Chronicles 6:31-33).
Heman, I don’t say any of this to ‘give you a big head.’ Instead, I’m sharing this to say that I don’t see myself as ‘the expert answer-man’ and you as the ‘novice,’ or ‘rookie.’ I see you as a mature man of God. Because of my respect for your biblical wisdom, I see my role, in part, as fanning into flame the gift of God within you (2 Timothy 1:6) and drawing out of you scriptural wisdom for living (Acts 17:11)—for experiencing God in the midst of incredibly hard times and difficult emotions (Ephesians 3:17-19).”
Heman: “Thank you for saying that. For all my ‘godliness and wisdom,’ everything seems a mess right now. I need and want your biblical insights to help me navigate all that I’m going through…”
CC: “I appreciate that, Heman. If it’s OK with you, could we both pray before we continue? I’ll use your Biblical Counseling Goals and Focus Form to guide my prayer for you…”
Heman and CC: Both pray…
CC: “Heman, thank you for your candor in filling out your Goals and Focus Form. There’s plenty for us to share about together and to explore together through God’s Word. I wonder if you could put into words a brief summary of how I might best be of help to you as you wrestle through all of this with God…”
Heman: “I want someone to walk through all of this with me so I can walk through all of this with God. I was praying this morning, while thinking of all the pain and suffering I’m experiencing, and I shared this with God.
‘Lord, you are the God who saves me; day and night I cry out to you. May my prayer come before you; turn your ear to my cry.’”
CC: “Wow! From what you’ve shared in your Goals and Focus Form, I know a bit about what you’re going through. And for you to keep God in the middle of all of this is amazing!
There’s a phrase that people use sometimes—Coram Deo—meaning living all of life face-to-face with our heavenly Father. That’s what you’re doing—you’re inviting God into the center of your situation, the center of your soul.
I love your words, ‘Lord, you are the God who saves me.’ Could you tell me more about how you see God as Yahweh Elohim who delivers you and some of the biblical passages that help you to see God this way?”
Heman: Hemans shares more about his biblical view of God, and Heman and CC explore together central biblical passages that Heman highlights…
CC: “That’s such a tremendous scriptural foundation for you as you face all of this, Heman. You are grounding your suffering and your emotions in God and His goodness.
I also really appreciate how you’re crying out to God. Philip Yancey used to say,
‘We can be disappointed without God, or we can be disappointed with God.’
You clearly are taking your disappointment to God. You know better than I do, Heman, that God invites our lament. And that’s what you’re doing—lamenting to God.
Could you help me to understand a bit more about what you’re going through, about your lament, your pain, your suffering…?”
Heman: “Um, how candid do you want me to be?”
“CC: “Have at it.”
Heman: “Well, here goes. Here’s what it seems like.
I am overwhelmed with troubles and my life draws near to death. I am counted among those who go down to the pit; I am like one without strength. I am set apart with the dead, like the slain who lie in the grave, whom you remember no more, who are cut off from your care.”
CC: Sits in silence with Heman as Heman shares further and as Heman weeps…
CC and Heman: CC draws out Heman as Heman shares more about feeling overwhelmed, as he shares his troubles, as he shares about his life drawing near to death, as he shares about his pit experiences…
CC: “Heman, I can’t even begin to imagine what all of this has been like for you, but you’re certainly helping me to get some sense of it. I hurt with you. And I want to hear more about all that’s going on inside you.
And I think it would help me if I knew a bit more about what’s going on around you. It’s like Paul in 2 Corinthians 1:8-9. He didn’t want his friends to be ignorant about what was happening to him, and then he shared what was happening in him—that he despaired of life and felt the sentence of death…”
Heman: “You don’t know how encouraging that is. To think that someone like Paul felt like I feel and said words like I’ve said. It takes away a lot of Satan’s shame and condemnation…
And it means so much to me that you want to hear me…know me…”
Heman then shares more about his external situation, as well as more about his inner suffering…
CC: “There’s another thought I want to mention before you share more with me about your soul’s lament. Your words reflect so many scriptural phrases. ‘Drawing near to death’ reminds me of David in Psalm 23 talking about ‘walking through the valley of the shadow of death.’ And ‘going down to the pit’ reminds me of David in Psalm 40 talking about being in the slimy pit of mud and mire. I also hear echoes of Job and of Ecclesiastes in your words… Could we make a mental note to revisit these Wisdom Literature passages in Psalms, Job, and Ecclesiastes later in our counseling together…?”
Heman: “Absolutely. I’d love that. To be honest, I’m not even sure I was totally aware of my allusions to those passages. That’s a ‘God-thing’ in His Spirit bringing His truth to my mind…”
CC: “So, let’s backtrack a little. Heman, could you tell me more about your lament to God, about what’s going on in your soul…?”
Heman: “You know that I love journaling my thoughts and feelings. Here’s more of what I shared with God recently.
‘You have put me in the lowest pit, in the darkest depths. Your wrath lies heavily on me; you have overwhelmed me with all your waves.’”
Heman and CC: Heman and CC interact further, with CC drawing out more of Heman’s lament…
CC: Waiting to see if Heman wants to share more. Sitting in silence.
“Your phrase, ‘the darkest depths’ remind me of a long tradition of believers sharing about the dark night of the soul. You are not alone…though I know you feel like you are, and that’s so normal. Could we make another mental note to look at some psalms of the dark night, like a Psalm 13, and see how those scriptural laments might relate to your laments…?
Heman: “Wow! I guess I’m not alone. I’m writing down Psalm 13, Psalm 23, Psalm 40, and maybe a lot of Job and Ecclesiastes for us to look at later, and for me to look at in the coming weeks. Thanks.”
CC: “I know there’s much more going on for you. I’m here. We have time, if you’re ready, to share more…”
Heman: “Well, you mentioned not being alone. That’s an important reminder for me. Because I’ve felt like I’ve been alone. I’ve felt like God has taken from me my closest friends and made me repulsive to them.”
CC: Takes a long, deep breath.
“That’s a strong, painful word, ‘repulsive.’ Is that something you want to share more about right now…?”
Heman: “Thanks for giving me the option of sharing now or later. To borrow your phrase, maybe we’ll ‘make a mental note to return to that.’”
CC: “That’s totally fair…and understandable. Is there more you do feel able to share with me right now?”
Heman: “Yes. Here’s something else I wrote recently to the Lord.
‘I am confined and cannot escape; my eyes are dim with grief. I call to you, Lord, every day; I spread out my hands to you.’
If I’m honest, when I share something like that, I wonder what’s wrong with me. I mean, Paul talked about there being no temptation that we can bear and that God will provide a way to escape so we can endure it (1 Corinthians 10:13). What’s wrong with my faith that I’m not saying that right now?”
CC: “Heman, you show so much spiritual integrity to approach the cry of your soul like this. A couple of thoughts in response to your question.
First, the same Paul who said that in 1 Corinthians 10:13, also said something very much like what you’re saying. In 2 Corinthians 1:8, a passage we referenced a moment ago, Paul said that ‘we were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure.’ There are many biblical ‘moods of faith.’ The mood of honest lament where it feels like things are overwhelming. And the ‘mood of dependent trust’ where we cling to God for rescue, like Paul in 2 Corinthians 1:9 where he says he can’t rely upon himself, but must rely upon the God who raises the dead.
Another thought…if we look at the context of 1 Corinthians 10:13, Paul is speaking about temptation to sin. On the other hand, your context, and Paul’s context in 2 Corinthians 1:8-9, are about suffering. Biblically, some times God does allow overwhelming suffering. Why? Like we just heard Paul saying, so that we will not rely upon ourselves but upon the God who raises the dead.”
Heman: “You don’t know how helpful that is. Wow! Again, that addresses Satan’s condemnation in my life. It is hard enough to endure such suffering, but when I find Satan whispering or shouting that I should be ashamed of myself for having feelings, then it is almost too much to bear.
Your words about God raising the dead, also remind me of how dead I am feeling. Here’s another real and raw lament I shared with God.
‘Do you show your wonders to the dead? Do their spirits rise up and praise you? Is your love declared in the grave, your faithfulness in Destruction? Are your wonders known in the place of darkness, or your righteous deeds in the land of oblivion?’”
CC: “You said you would share ‘real and raw’ and you are. Thank you.
Again. You are not alone. Your words remind me so much of Job, in many passages, including in Job 14. How ‘bout we turn there and read Job 14 together?”
Heman/CC: They read Job 14 together.
CC: “What in Job 14 resonates with you? What ‘fits’? What doesn’t fit and how might you say it a bit differently?”
Heman: Heman shares his reflections on Job 14… Heman and CC interact together…
CC: “I’m glad we gave ourselves 90-ish minutes for our first meeting. You’re really helping me to begin to get a glimpse into your soul and your situation. We have about 15 more minutes. For this initial meeting, what else would you want me to know, to hear from your heart…?”
Heman: “Man, time flies when you’re being helped! I could do this all day. Maybe I can summarize for you with a longer section of a recent prayer I prayed to the Lord. And, again, to use your wording, ‘maybe we can pick up on this more next time…’
‘But I cry to you for help, Lord; in the morning my prayer comes before you. Why, Lord, do you reject me and hide your face from me? From my youth I have suffered and been close to death; I have borne your terrors and am in despair. Your wrath has swept over me; your terrors have destroyed me. All day long they surround me like a flood; they have completely engulfed me. You have taken from me friend and neighbor—darkness is my closest friend.’”
CC: “Heman, would you mind my having a copy of that part of your lament? I’d like to reflect on it more, hear your soul more, and use it to pray for you.”
Heman: “Not at all. But please don’t share it with anyone else. I’m not so sure what others would think about my ending a prayer with ‘darkness is my closest friend.’ Honestly…I’m not sure what you think about me and my having done that…”
CC: “Well, let me address your wonderings first.
I. Respect. You.
I. Resonate. With You.
Even more importantly, Jesus resonates with you. Jesus is your High Priest who empathizes with you, as we’re told in Hebrews 4:14-16.
Three of the four Gospels record the account of Jesus’ lament in the Garden—and His intense, ‘real and raw’ sharing of His soul with His Father. And in Matthew 26:37-38, he shared openly with three of his disciples about how sorrowful and troubled He was, saying to them, ‘My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.’”
Heman: “I never thought about it like that. I mean, if Jesus can be overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death, then He certainly ‘gets me.” And maybe it’s okay to admit that it seems like darkness is my closest friend…”
CC: “That’s spot on, Heman. Like Jesus, you’re lamenting—to God. For at least the third time today you are bringing God into the center of your soul. You just said, ‘But I cry to you for help, Lord; in the morning my prayer comes before you.’
God invites the cry of our soul. He is big enough to handle whatever is in us. He’s big enough and gracious enough and near enough to handle your soul, your words. He is the God of Isaiah 40:10-11:
‘See, the Sovereign Lord comes with power, and he rules with a mighty arm. See, his reward is with him, and his recompense accompanies him.
He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young.’
How do those verses hit you when you’re wondering about ending a prayer with ‘darkness is my closest friend’?”
Heman/CC: Heman and CC interact about Isaiah 40:10-11…
CC: “Unfortunately, our time is just about up. I definitely want us to follow-up on what you shared about suffering, being close to death, bearing terrors, being in despair, feeling destroyed, surrounded like a flood, completely engulfed…”
CC sighs a sigh of “empathetic exhaustion.”
“First, that’s a lot of pain, a lot of trauma. And opening up to me about that can, in the long run be very helpful, but in the short term can be emotionally exhausting and even troubling and even re-traumatizing. How are you doing right now? How do you think you will be doing over the next few days?”
Heman: Heman shares.
Heman and CC set up some “safety nets” for Heman…
CC: “Let’s definitely pick up on all those honest expressions of your heart the next time we meet.
I like to do ‘collaborative homework,’ or ‘collaborative personal application.’ Let’s both take a minute to reflect on our time together and to prayerfully ponder what would be something helpful for you to focus on over the next week…”
Heman/CC: They share together about “homework/application”…
CC: “One final thought before we wrap up together in prayer…
In God’s affectionate sovereignty, the last words of your lament, in the Hebrew Bible, are followed immediately by these words in Psalm 89:1:
‘I will sing of the Lord’s great love forever.’
These words remind me of what you shared with me and with God at least three times today—your Coram Deo, face-to-face with Father approach to your suffering.
Here’s a gospel-centered reality to take with you this week, my friend, Heman.
While it feels like darkness is your closest friend, there is a forever faithful Father/Friend who loves you forever—who loves you even while you are feeling friendless. You don’t have to ‘fix your feelings’ for Father to run to you, throw His arms around you, kiss you, and celebrate with you (Luke 15:20-24). His love is a grace-love. You don’t have to earn it. You don’t have to ‘feel up’ to deserve it. Father’s love is forever faithful because of His Son’s faithfulness…
Let’s pray together as we wrap up our first time together…”
Join the Conversation: Questions for Application and Discussion
- I noted at the beginning of this post that there is no “one-size-fits-all” approach to providing biblical comfort to a grieving, lamenting person. So, what are some ways that your first meeting with Heman might sound different from the dialogue/vignette above? What might you focus on in a first counseling session with Heman?
- What are some strengths of the dialogue/vignette that I have written about counseling with Heman? What are some weaknesses? What might be missing that you would add in a first spiritual conversation with Heman?
- What additional questions might you ask of Heman? What else would you want to know about Heman and from Heman?
- What biblical passages, theological principles, and biblical counseling concepts would help you to frame your thinking about what was going on in Heman’s soul and about how to approach providing loving biblical comfort and counsel for Heman?
- What is your biblical counseling theology of lament, grief, suffering, trauma, and healing hope? From what passages would you build your model of biblical “sufferology”?
- What is your biblical counseling practical theology of sustaining empathy, comfort, and compassion? What is your biblical counseling practical theology of healing hope? What passages do you use in developing these approaches?
- I talked about “dual listening”—listening well and wisely to Heman’s earthly story of suffering while listening together to and weaving in God’s eternal, heavenly story of healing hope. What biblical passages would you use to support and develop your ministry of “dual listening”?
- I talked about not only doing data collection but also emphasizing soul connection as you listen compassionately to Heman’s story. Where in the Scriptures do you see God’s people connecting deeply soul-to-soul, suffering with and weeping with one another?
- What additional biblical passages might you want to explore with Heman in a first meeting? In subsequent meetings?
- After your first meeting, what do you think some relevant “homework” might look like?
- What would your goals be for your second meeting with Heman? What would you focus on in your next couple of meetings with Heman?
- What would your overall counseling goals with Heman be? What would you based these goals on?
- Would there be any additional training that you would want to receive in order to be more competent to counsel Heman? If you were being supervised, what questions might you be asking your supervisor about counseling/comforting Heman? What additional reading might you want to do in order to be more effective in providing soul care for Heman? Would there be anything that might make you wonder if you should refer Heman to another counselor who perhaps has more training, experience, and competency in this area—and how might you make that decision?
- What materials, resources, blog posts, articles, booklets, or books might you eventually want to recommend for Heman to read?
- How might you want to try to connect Heman to others in the body of Christ to be a source of support, comfort, and encouragement to Heman? Are there any other church-based or para-church connections, or community resources that you might want to connect Heman with?
- What role might “counselor self-disclosure” have in your interactions with Heman. That is, how much and to what extent might you share about any “dark nights of the soul” that you have experienced? How would you then direct the focus back to Heman’s concerns?
- Personally, how have you worked through any “dark nights of the soul”? If this post raises any personal issues for you, how might you work through them? Who could you talk to if you were experiencing a Psalm 88 “dark night”? What would you want from a soul physician, biblical counselor, or spiritual friend who was helping you with your own “dark night of the soul”? What biblical passages might you turn to as you faced your suffering face-to-face with your Father?
- What questions would you want to ask me about my approach to counseling and comforting Heman?
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