Recently, I’ve been writing about the current conflicts in the biblical counseling world. In my posts, I’ve been responding to an ongoing, growing series of posts by the folks at First Baptist Jacksonville.

My responses, for the most part, have remained at the level of theology of biblical counseling.

The Personal Side of Biblical Counseling Conflicts

Today’s post is different. I hope to open a window into the soul of people who are being hurt by all of this—including me.

By sharing my personal pain, I am not saying that I am right, and others are wrong. I am not asking you to choose my side because of sympathy for my suffering.

I’ll be focusing on the hurt experienced by those being called “so-called biblical counselors,” “zombie-infected biblical counselors,” “new integrationists,“ “neo-integrationists,” “passive-aggressive” (my favorite!), “unfaithful biblical counselors, “compromised priests,” etc.

I know that those making these accusations also say they have suffered personal pain in all of this—several have told me so. They are free to tell their story. I am not free to tell their story.

I am free to tell my story—carefully, as confidentially as possible.

I am less free to tell the story of others who have been called out as unfaithful, compromised biblical counselors. So, due to confidentiality, I’ll share general statements about how others have been hurt.

The Great Costs of These Accusations

Over the past several years, accusations of not being faithful biblical counselors have come with great costs to many of my friends.

• Some have been “canceled” by other biblical counselors to the point of losing their jobs—their vocations, their livelihood.
• Some have been “canceled” by other biblical counselors to the point of losing income as their good reputation as biblical counselors has been publicly maligned.
• Some have been “canceled” by other biblical counselors to the point of losing their place on boards of leading biblical counseling organizations.
• Some have been “canceled” by other biblical counselors to the point of choosing to receive biblical counseling and soul care to deal with the pain of false accusations, and the suffering of lost relationships.
• Some have been “canceled” by other biblical counselors to the point of needing to find a new church.
• Some have been “canceled” by other biblical counselors to the point of deciding that they needed to resign from long-time membership in various biblical counseling groups or organizations.
• Many have been “canceled” by other biblical counselors who had been their dearest friends, their most important mentors, their closest co-workers, and even by family members.
• Many who have been “cancelled” by other biblical counselors have a spouse who feels the pain even more than the one who was canceled.

The Painful Process 

It’s important to note that the vast, vast majority of this canceling is being done publicly before any attempts at private conversations. There is not even the offer of:

“Hey, I’ve written this piece. It’s not going to be fun to read because it is negative about you. But before I post it publicly, could you let me know if I have accurately represented you?” 

Instead, people are shocked to read publicly for the first time ever that they are the specific target of accusations of being compromised biblical counselors. No private conversation. No warning. No invitation for clarification.

Many of these accusations are being done with “cherry-picking.” Rather than robustly and accurately quoting a fellow biblical counselor, snippets, or one-sided sentences are extrapolated from much larger, longer explanatory sections. I’m sure that those doing this writing would disagree. However, those being spoken against say to me,

“That doesn’t represent me at all. I’m being consistently mischaracterized.”

When faithful biblical counselors are publicly called out in ways that mischaracterize them as unfaithful and compromised, the personal pain is great.

What About Bob?  

I haven’t lost any jobs or ministries or book contracts over any of this. So far, publicly, I have not been canceled. Privately—to my face and in writing—two people have said critical things about me and my biblical counseling model.

More often, I have had people talk negatively about me behind my back to others. My friends will share,

“I hate to have to be the one to tell you this, Bob, but so-and-so accused you of not being a true biblical counselor. They said unkind and negative things about you and your counseling model.”

Sadly, and ironically, these biblical counselors who have been negative about me have not followed biblical principles in talking to me first or at least allowing me a chance for a response. Some have even continued to act like friends, while behind my back assaulting my character and counseling.

David’s Personal Pain: Former Friends and Close Companions 

And…most sadly…it has been by friends…or at least…former friends.

Let these words of soul injury from David sink in.

⁴ My heart is in anguish within me;
the terrors of death have fallen on me.
⁵ Fear and trembling have beset me;
horror has overwhelmed me.
⁶ I said, “Oh, that I had the wings of a dove!
I would fly away and be at rest.
⁷ I would flee far away
and stay in the desert;
⁸ I would hurry to my place of shelter,
far from the tempest and storm” (Psalm 55:4-8).

Body and soul—as an embodied-soul—David experiences heart anguish, terrors, fear, bodily trembling. Horror overwhelms him like a tsunami.

Where does David run when a tsunami comes? He flees far away—to the desert. He hurries to a place of shelter—far from the tempest and storm—from the soul tsunami.

What is the origin of David’s intense trauma?

¹² If an enemy were insulting me,
I could endure it;
if a foe were rising against me,
I could hide.
¹³ But it is you, a man like myself,
my companion, my close friend,
¹⁴ with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship
at the house of God,
as we walked about
among the worshipers (Psalm 55:12-18).

Friends.

Close friends.

The insults from close companions.

How does David describe these verbal assaults?

Day and night they prowl about on its walls; malice and abuse are within it. Destructive forces are at work in the city; threats and lies never leave its streets (Psalm 55:10-11).

David pictures those on the walls not as guardians, but as destroyers. They ceaselessly prowl about as malicious abusers, endlessly filled with threats and lies. They are predators, not prophets.

From Friendship to Foeship 

Like David, I experience a depth of sadness when a friend I once enjoyed sweet fellowship with chooses to be my foe, my enemy, my adversary, my judge. It is painful to experience a friend rising against me, speaking against me—but not speaking to me.

Keeping confidences by being generic, here are some of the friend-connection-situations that have evaporated into criticism over the past two years.

• One biblical counselor who no longer sees me as a real biblical counselor came to me over the past two decades on at least six separate occasions for soul care. This person trusted me for twenty years as their soul care-giver. Now they see me as a “so-called biblical counselor.”
• One biblical counselor who no longer sees me as a real biblical counselor came to me for counsel while having church-related conflicts. This person and their family stayed in our home for respite. Now they talk about me behind my back, but never talk to me.
• Several biblical counselors who no longer see me as a real biblical counselor wrote multiple endorsements for my various books.
• One biblical counselor who no longer sees me as a real biblical counselor was someone I fought for to help them become a member of a leading biblical counseling organization.
• One biblical counselor who no longer sees me as a real biblical counselor had me counsel several of their immediate family members.
• One biblical counselor who no longer sees me as a real biblical counselor was someone who I shared over two dozen meals with where we met for one-another encouragement.
• One biblical counselor who no longer sees me as a real biblical counselor was someone who I helped gain a “prestigious” ministry position in a major biblical counseling academic setting.

With David, I cry out:

If an enemy were insulting me, I could endure it; if a foe were rising against me, I could hide. But it is you, a man like myself, my companion, my close friend, with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship at the house of God, as we walked about among the worshipers.

This is the pain of broken friendships that turn into foeships.

Who Changed? 

Perhaps I’ve changed. I think I have changed over the past half-decade. I think I have become even more biblical! I keep studying God’s Word about biblical counseling.

But, perhaps I am blind. Deceived.

Or, perhaps my former friends were blind and deceived for a quarter-century when they not only saw me as a biblical counselor, but chose me as their biblical counselor, or as the counselor for their loved ones, or glowingly endorsed my books.

Or, perhaps they changed. And perhaps the climate in the modern biblical counseling world has changed—toward a neo-fundamentalist, judgmental, Pharisaical mindset. (I’m not blind to or insensitive toward the fact that my words in this last sentence might not feel too good to others…)

Life and death are in the power of the tongue (Proverbs 18:21).

I’m choosing to use my words to give you a glimpse into the personal pain of broken relationships, of what feels like betrayal, what seems like unbiblical judgment and ungodly gossip. It feels, from my limited, even biased, perspective, like innocent suffering at the hands of former friends—close companions who now have chosen to be foes.

This Is Not Fun Stuff!

I wanted to do this not so much for me. I’ll be fine. I’m retired. I can’t lose my job. I’ve written everything (and more) that I ever thought I would write. All of my ministry now is pro bono (free) and there is plenty of it.

No, I write this for others—younger biblical counselors in the midst of their calling—who are being called out as unbiblical counselors. Frequently called out publicly before any private conversation. Often called out by former friends who are now acting like foes.

It hurts. Any and every human being created in the image of God would hurt when friends become foes.

I want to give a human face, an image-bearer soul to all of this. These are real people being accused, not AI or androids.

“But, Is This Biblical?”

Some may respond, “This post is too personal!” Or, “Cry me a river!” Or, “Just get over it; stop being so sensitive!” Or, “Be biblical!”

I wonder if anyone said that to David after he penned Psalm 55? According to the Bible—including Psalm 55—it is biblical to publicly lament the pain caused when friends become foes.

Please Pray 

Please pray for unity in the biblical counseling movement. Sadly, this side of heaven, unity is not always an actuality.

So, please pray for hurting biblical counselors who are being called unbiblical counselors by their former friends and close companions.

The pain is real. The suffering is legitimate.

I’m not asking you to be so empathetic that truth is thrown out the window. I am asking you to suffer with those who suffer (1 Corinthians 12:26).

Even if you disagree with their biblical counseling model, be a biblical counselor by putting yourself into their souls and imagining what it is like to be publicly called out without being privately confronted in love. Sense what it is like to give your whole life to the ministry of biblical counseling and to have other biblical counselors publicly label you “an infected-zombie,” “a compromised biblical counselor,” “an unfaithful priest,” “a new integrationist,” “a neo-integrationist.” Empathize with the pain of former mentors now maligning you, of former friends now accusing and attacking you.

Please Stop; Take a Break; Take a Breath; Pray; Talk to Your “Foes” 

To those doing the public canceling, the public calling out, the public accusations and judgments—please stop.

I know you think you are doing the Lord’s work in the Lord’s way. I know you think you are “cleansing the temple like Christ.”

At the very least, please stop long enough to pray—and to ask the Lord if you are really doing His ministry to His ministers.

Please take a break. Your posts are coming out rapid fire, one after another, wave after wave, like a continuous tsunami. Please take a breather.

(Yes, I’ve been posting, too. Someone needs to publicly have the backs of those being accused. I’d be very happy to stop all of this. I’ve invited private conversations.)

And, please, while you take a breath to talk to God; talk to those you consider your foes—to those you consider unfaithful biblical counselors. Have a private conversation.

Cast Your Cares on the Lord 

How did David handle his soul-tsunami when his friends became his foes?

Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken (Psalm 55:22).

When friends become foes, turn to the Faithful Friend.

Peter quotes Psalm 55:22 in 1 Peter 5:8.

Cast all your care on him because he cares for you.

When friends seem careless with your soul, turn to the One who cares for you.

Peter continues:

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen. (1 Peter 5:10-11).

When friends cause soul suffering, stay strong and steadfast in your Infinitely Strong and Eternally Steadfast Savior.

In Christ Alone

Ultimately, it really doesn’t matter what others think of us or say about us. The common way we tend to say this in the modern biblical counseling world is,

“Don’t live in the fear of man.”

“Don’t make a heart idol out of what others think of you.”

That’s Peter’s counsel.

Yes, of course, we search our hearts to see if there is any secret sin.

Yes, of course, we search our theology and methodology of counseling to see if we can learn anything even from what seems like unfair critique.

But at the end of the day, at the end of our life, we answer to Christ alone. We fear Christ alone. We live in the grace of Christ alone.

To Him be the power for ever and ever. Amen.