A Word from Bob

This series became my book, Consider Your Counsel: Addressing Ten Mistakes in Our Biblical Counseling. For free resources related to the book, and to purchase a copy on sale, go here.

You’re reading Part 3 of a 10-part blog series on 10 Common Mistakes Biblical Counselors Sometimes Make. For Part 1, see: Mistake #1: We Elevate Data Collection Above Soul Connection. (Part 1 also contains further background, explanation, and “motivation” for this series.) For Part 2, see: Mistake #2: We Share God’s Eternal Story Before We Listen Well and Wisely to Our Friend’s Earthly Story.

Mistake #3: We Talk at Counselees Rather Than Exploring Scripture with Counselees

As I supervise biblical counselors, I notice a common pattern: their actual practice of counseling is sometimes more like biblical teaching than it is biblical counseling. Yes, teaching is a component of counseling. But, no, counseling is not identical to teaching.

Many times, the bulk of our equipping in counseling comes via lecture. No matter how many times the lecturer says, “Though I’m lecturing right now, please don’t think that counseling = lecturing,” the students still perceive a one-to-one correlation between lecturing and counseling.

Counseling, or the personal ministry of the Word, is different from preaching/teaching, or the pulpit ministry of the Word. While the pulpit ministry of the Word is powerful and absolutely essential in our Christian lives, we should not think of biblical counseling as “preaching or teaching to an audience of one.”

The beauty and benefit of the personal ministry of the Word is the give-and-take relationship that occurs as together we relate God’s truth specifically to a person’s unique situation, soul, and story.

Collaborative Biblical Counseling 

People often ask, “Is biblical counseling directive or non-directive?” I often say, “I prefer a third category: collaborative.”

In purely directive counseling, the counselor is the de facto expert lecturer who talks at and teaches truth to the counselee. The counselee at times is almost perceived to be inferior to the counselor.

In purely non-directive counseling, the counselee is the expert on his or her own life. The counselor’s role is simply to draw out from within the counselee the dormant resources lying in the counselee.

Clebsch and Jaekle, in their classic book, Pastoral Care in Historical Perspective, note that throughout church history a third method was prominent—the Bible as the guide and the pastor-counselor journeying with the counselee as both seek to relate the wisdom of the Word to the counselee’s life. This is collaborative biblical counseling. The counselor may still be “the more knowledgeable” about the Word, but that knowledge is not used in a “one-up” way of an expert talking at or talking down to a novice.

Giving a Fish or Teaching to Fish (Scriptures) 

Picture the contrast like this:

• Teaching/Telling Scripture To—Give a Man a Fish—Made a Student of Yourself

• Exploring Scripture Together—Teach a Man to Fish—Made a Disciple of Christ

I’ve supervised many counselors whose model or approach is to “give a fish”—to talk at and teach. They often have a one-size-fits-all model where they take anyone and everyone through the same 6 or 8-session Bible study. It’s often a good Bible study. Yet, the counselor often says, with some exasperation, “I’m not sure why my counselee isn’t growing? Why isn’t the truth changing how they handle their life situation?”

First, as we saw in Part 2, their approach to the Bible is too generic. They’re not relating God’s story to the unique situation, soul, and story of their specific counselee.

Second, any change that may occur is likely to be so focused on one area that the counselee will have a difficult time applying Scripture to other areas of life struggles. They have been given a fish, but not taught to fish. They have been told how to overcome some life issue, but they have not been discipled in how to search the Scriptures to grow in grace in all of life.

The biblical counselor uses his or her biblical expertise not just to give a fish. Instead, they teach counselees how to fish the Scriptures—how to apply God’s truth to their life and relationships. The counselee becomes a disciple of Christ the Divine counselor, instead of merely being a student of a human teacher. The counselee has been discipled to do ongoing self-counsel by learning how to turn to God’s Word for wisdom for their life.

Trialogues

To move from giving a fish to teaching to fish Scriptures, I need to introduce the concept of trialogues. A monologue is when I talk to you, teach you, or preach to you—I speak to you.

A dialogue is when you and I engage in a back and forth, give and take conversation—we speak to each other.

A trialogue is where there are three people in our gospel conversation: the counselor, the counselee, and the Divine Counselor through God’s Spirit and God’s Word. Together we listen to God’s Word, discerning how to apply truth to life.

In trialoguing, we take our theological understanding (God’s story), listen to our counselees’ story (situation and soul), and then interact together in ways that invite them to ponder how God’s story interprets, intersects, and invades their story.

Trialogues require that counselors have a Spirit-led dependence upon God which results in a Philippians 1:9-11 discernment of which scriptural passages and biblical wisdom principles best relate to the counselee’s life (see Part 2).

Trialogues also require counselors to know biblical passages so well that they are able to guide a counselee through understanding the text in context and applying the text to their personal context. As an example, consider the trialogues below from 2 Samuel 13. (And notice the biblical preparation needed by the counselor to explore this passage with this depth and richness with a counselee).

A Biblical Sampler of Exploring Scriptures Together 

What does exploring Scriptures together look like? Imagine that you’re counseling Ashley. It’s the day after her twin sons’ eleventh birthday. With tears streaming down her face, Ashley shares that twenty-five years earlier, not long after her eleventh birthday, a relative began sexually abusing her.^[i]

Now, imagine that you’ve met several times with Ashley and her husband (Nate) to hear Ashley’s story and to empathize with her suffering. Then you begin interacting with Ashley about 2 Samuel 13 and the rape of Tamar by her half-brother, Amnon. Consider a sampler of the trialogues you could engage in with Ashley. First, some general trialogues about the passage:

• Ashely, as you read Tamar’s story, what is similar in what happened to her compared to what you experienced? What is different in Tamar’s story from what happened to you?
• Ashley, as we read about Tamar’s response in verses 12-21, what is similar and what is different in her response from your response?

Because the Bible is real and raw, this passage allows Ashley and you to explore aspects of Tamar’s rape that are potentially comparable to the abuse Ashley experienced. The fact that the Bible talks about these experiences can free Ashley up to talk about her experiences.

• Ashley, as we read about the “set-up” in 13:5-10, what feelings does that stir in you? How were you set-up by your abuser?
• What do you feel when you read Amnon saying he “loved” his sister?
• The Bible is raw and honest. We’re told in 13:12-16 that Amnon forced Tamar, refused to listen to her, overpowered her, and raped her. What is it like for you to read those words? How do those descriptions compare to your abuse?
• What was it like for Tamar to experience her brother’s brutality? Hatred? Betrayal? How does her experience compare to yours?
• Amnon later acted as if Tamar was the guilty party—treating her like a “thing” and like a dangerous woman (13:15-17). Did you experience this victimizing of the victim? Being treated like a non-person? Like the guilty party? What was this like for you?
• Tamar’s beauty, femininity, and servant’s heart are all used against her (13:1-2, 5-11). How do you think this impacted Tamar? How did this impact you?

The Bible is not only real about the external abuse; it realistically depicts the internal soul struggles. Thus you can explore with Ashley trialogues such as:

• In 13:12-16, we see Tamar’s battles with powerlessness and voicelessness. How do her struggles compare to yours?
• We’re told that Tamar struggled with feelings of disgrace, desolation, and shame (13:13, 20). Have you battled any of these feelings? Other feelings? What are you doing with those feelings? How do you see yourself?
• Words like “sister” and “brother” are used repeatedly in this passage—highlighting the pain of incestuous abuse. What do you feel when you read those words?
• Tamar grieves deeply. She tore her richly ornamented robe, put ashes on her head, and wept aloud (13:18-19). How does Tamar’s grief response compare to yours? Have you given yourself permission to grieve like Tamar?

The Bible also depicts realistically how other family members often re-victimize the victim. You can explore these common dynamics with Ashley.

• Tamar’s other brother, Absalom, responds in a horribly hurtful way by telling her to be quiet and don’t take this thing to heart (13:20-22). Who has responded to you in similarly hurtful ways? What has that felt like?
• Tamar’s father, King David, was angry but inactive (13:21). Who has responded to you in a similarly hurtful way? What did that feel like?
• David grieves the death of Amnon (13:39), but we’re never told he grieves the rape of Tamar? Honestly, that makes me furious. What feelings does that bring up for you?

God’s Word never leaves us without hope, even in a passage like 2 Samuel 13. So you can explore hope-giving, God-facing trialogues like these with Ashley.

• Given the culture of her day, it’s remarkable that Tamar somehow found the strength to speak forcefully about the foolish, wicked nature of Amnon’s sin. Where do you think Tamar found the courage to overcome her feelings of powerlessness and voicelessness and speak out like this? Through Christ’s strength, how are you finding the strength to do the same?
• In 2 Samuel 13, we find an inspired account of a wicked event. God speaks through narrator and through Tamar to voice his view of this abuse. God calls sexual abuse “wicked” and “foolish” (13:12-13). How does it impact you to know that God is on the side of the abused and stands against your abuser?
• Just two chapters earlier, we read of David’s great sin (2 Samuel 11). In this section of Scripture, how is God directing our gaze to a focus on our fallen condition? How is God directing our gaze to our desperate need for the Greater David—for Jesus?

Assessing Our Biblical Counseling 

1. Is our biblical counseling more directive (counselor as expert teller), more non-directive (counselee as expert about their own life), or collaborative (counselor and counselee guided by God’s Word)?

2. As biblical counselors, which of the following is more true of our focus? a.) Teaching/Telling Scripture To—Give a Man a Fish—Made a Student of Yourself. Or, b.) Exploring Scripture Together—Teach a Man to Fish—Made a Disciple of Christ.

3. As biblical counselors, do we practice monologue counseling, dialogue counseling, or trialogue counseling (where there are three people in our gospel conversation: the counselor, the counselee, and the Divine Counselor through God’s Spirit and God’s Word. Together we listen to God’s Word, discerning how to apply truth to life)?

4. As biblical counselors, how could the 2 Samuel 13 sample trialogues impact our counseling practice, the counseling process, the counselor-counselee personal relationship, and the counselee’s life?

The Rest of the Story 

I invite you to join us for Part 4:

Mistake #4: We Practice Half-Biblical Counseling If We Address Sin but Neglect Suffering.

Endnote

[i]I develop Ashley’s story and a biblical counseling response in Kellemen, Sexual Abuse: Beauty for Ashes.