A Marriage Mini-Series 

You’re reading Part 1 in a several-part blog mini-series on marriage. I’m developing these posts from my book, Gospel-Centered Marriage Counseling: An Equipping Guide for Pastors and Counselors.

Where Do You Start? 

Ephesians 5:21-33 has to be the most often explored passage by couples, by pastors, and by marriage counselors. That is true in my ministry.

Yet, it dawned on me one day that Paul does not start Ephesians in chapter 5! Perhaps the more startling revelation was that I should not start marriage counseling or my understanding of marriage in Ephesians 5, but instead in Ephesians 1:1 and following.

When we start where Paul starts, our core understanding of marriage changes. This is vital, because:

The first calling of a biblical marriage counselor is to help couples define or redefine marital reality.

When we build our marriages and our marriage counseling on all of Ephesians (and all of the Bible), we find at least four foundations for marriage.

Marriage Foundation #1: Glorifying God—Ephesians 1:1-23 

Apart from Scripture, our marital reality contains a self-centered focus.

“Marriage is about meeting my needs. Marriage is about making me happy.”

Paul’s marital narrative teaches that marriage is all about glorifying God. Paul begins with a hymn of praise to the Trinity (Ephesians 1:1-14).

Everything in life, including marriage, is to be to the praise of the glory of the Trinity’s grace. 

These realities change our marital narrative from, “It’s all about me,” to, “It’s all about Him—Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.” 

• How might that reality change the conversation during your next disagreement with your spouse?

• How might that reality change the focus of your next biblical counseling session with a struggling couple?

Paul continues in Ephesians 1:15-23, by praying that we might grasp the Trinity’s grace-love and avail ourselves of Christ’s resurrection power. These truths change our marital focus from, “I can make my marriage work on my own,” to, “We need Christ’s resurrection power in our marriage so our marriage can glorify God.” 

• How might that reality change your mindset about growth in your marriage?

• How might that reality change the foundation of your marriage counseling from imparting relationship skills and communication techniques to encouraging mutual desperate dependence on Christ?

Marriage Foundation #2: Guilty Before God—Ephesians 2:1-3 

Paul next moves to our absolute need for God and His grace (Eph. 2:1-3). We are totally depraved—dead in our trespasses and sins, self-centered to the core, and objects of just judgment.

In ourselves, we are helpless and hopeless. Sin is not just a sickness; it is a terminal disease that has already taken our spiritual life.

These realities change our marital narrative from, “Our marriage requires a better strategy for changing my spouse,” to, “Our marriage requires my humble repentance of my sinful self-sufficiency and self-centeredness.” 

• How might that reality change your thinking about the core causes of your marital conflicts?

• How might that reality change how you view the core causes of the conflicts couples bring to each counseling session? 

Marriage Foundation #3: Grace from God for Salvation and Sanctification—Ephesians 2:4-5:17 

Thankfully, beginning in Ephesians 2:4 and continuing to 5:17, Paul transitions using the two greatest words in the English language: “But God.”

Though dead in sin, through our Father’s grace, we are resurrected to new life in Christ—grace for salvation. Paul does not stop there. From Ephesians 2:10-5:17, he hammers home the point that the grace that saves is also the grace that sanctifies us. “For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do” (Ephesians 2:10). We are saved by grace apart from works, but we are saved by grace to do good works empowered by God for the glory of God.

Our old marital narrative claims, “Marriage is a self-improvement project done in my strength for my benefit.” Our new biblical marital narrative insists, “Marital health begins with saving grace. Marital growth continues with God empowering us to put off the old self-focused ways and to put on the new death-to-self ways.” 

• How might that reality change your mindset about growth in your marriage?

• How might that reality change how you view the progressive sanctification process as it relates to marriage counseling? 

Marriage Foundation #4: Growth Through God’s Spirit—Ephesians 5:18-20 and 6:10-20 

Because the fleshly inclination to make life work on our own is so strong, Paul continues the theme of growth through God’s Spirit in Ephesians 5:18-20 and 6:10-20. Sometimes we fail to notice how Paul surrounds family life with spiritual empowerment. This is because we think Paul’s teaching on the family ends with Ephesians 6:4 and parents and children.

However, in Paul’s day, the home included three couplets of relationships: husband and wife (Ephesians 5:21-33), parent and child (Ephesians 6:1-4), and master and servant (Ephesians 6:5-9). In Paul’s day, teaching on these three relationships were known as “the household code.”

With this reality in mind, now consider what immediately precedes and immediately follows Paul’s teaching on the home:

• “Filled with the Spirit”: “Instead, be filled with the Spirit…”
• “Empowered by the Lord: “Finally, be strong in the Lord, and in his mighty power…”

Paul sandwiches around family living the reality that we must be filled with the Spirit and be strong in the Lord.

I never explore Ephesians 5:21-33 with a couple without first reading these verses that surround Paul’s marital principles. I’ll tell couples:

“Contextually, it’s appropriate to paraphrase these verses like this. ‘Husband and wife, if you are to fulfill the roles, responsibilities, and callings of a spouse, then first you must be filled with the Spirit. If you want your marriage to follow the God-honoring pattern of Ephesians 5:21-33, then first, husband and wife, you must be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power for your marriage. You must first put on the whole marital armor of God.’”

The old marital narrative says, “The solutions to our marital problems are within our own strength.” The new marital narrative says, “The soul-u-tions to our marital problems are God-dependent; they require the filling of the Spirit and the mighty power of the Lord.”

• How might that reality provide you with hope that change is possible—through God’s infinite power?

• How might that reality change the foundation of your marriage counseling from self-help/solution-focused marriage counseling to Christ-dependent/soul-u-tion-focused marriage counseling?

The Rest of the Story 

Here’s your invite for Part 2, coming soon, where we’ll explore 3 Biblical Purposes for Marriage. 

Maturing as a Biblical Marriage Counselor

1. Most of us as naturally head to Ephesians 5:21-33 as our main “go-to” passage for marriage and marriage counseling. How could focusing on all of Ephesians help us to build a robust biblical foundation for marriage?

2. In Ephesians 1:1-23, Paul highlight glorifying God. This can change our marital narrative from, “It’s all about me,” to, “It’s all about Him.” And it changes our marital narrative from, “I can make my marriage work on my own,” to, “We need Christ’s resurrection power in our marriage so our marriage can glorify God.” How could you interact with couples using Ephesians 1:1-23 to explore their understanding of the purpose of marriage and God’s power to fulfill that purpose?

3. In Ephesians 2:1-3, Paul emphasizes our being guilty before God. This can change our marital narrative from, “Our marriage requires a better strategy for changing my spouse,” to, “Our marriage requires my humble repentance of my sinful self-sufficiency and self-centeredness.” How could you interact with couples using Ephesians 2:1-3 to help them to see their absolute need for God’s grace in their life and in their marriage?

4. In Ephesians 2:4-5:17, Paul focuses on grace from God for salvation and sanctification. This can change our old marital narrative: “Marriage is a self-improvement project done in my strength for my benefit.” It can create a new marital narrative: “Marital health begins with saving grace and marriage growth continues with God empowering us to put off the old self-focused ways and to put on the new death-to-self ways.” How could you interact with couples using Ephesians 2:4-5:17 to help them to see their need for God’s power in order for their marriage to change?

5. In Ephesians 5:18-20 and 6:10-20, Paul surrounds his marital teaching with being filled with the Spirit and being strengthened by God’s mighty power. How could you interact with couples about Ephesians 5:18-20 and 6:10-20, to help them to put off the old marital narrative, “The solutions to our marital problems are within our strength,” and to put on the new marital narrative: “The soul-u-tions to our marital problems are God-dependent; they require the filling of the Spirit and the mighty power of the Lord”?