“At my first defense,

no one came to my support,

but everyone deserted me.

May it not be held against them.”

2 Timothy 4:16

Silence Is Not Golden; It Is Shaming and Demoralizing

Last night, I read yet another sad story from yet another fellow biblical counselor about how they had been deeply hurt by other biblical counselors who were publicly mischaracterizing and slandering them.

When this happens publicly, why are we staying silent? Why are we not publicly coming to the defense of our fellow biblical counselor?

Our silence often becomes a second source of pain and suffering.

Paul’s Final Words 

While all of this was on my heart, I began reading 2 Timothy with a focus on suffering. I was struck by two sad comments Paul makes in 2 Timothy. Toward the end of his life, Paul shares:

“You know that everyone in the province of Asia has deserted me, including Phygelus and Hermogenes” (1 Timothy 1:15).

Then, close to his last-ever recorded words, Paul opens up even more in 4:16:

“At my first defense, no one came to my support, but everyone deserted me. May it not be held against them.”

I think about Paul’s depressing words each time a fellow biblical counselor is publicly mischaracterized, maligned, and falsely accused by another biblical counselor. I think about Paul’s sad words when we biblical counselors choose silence—when we fail to come to the public defense of our fellow biblical counselor.

What Motivates Our Silence? 

Why are we remaining silent? Why are we not coming to the defense of our brothers and sisters? Standing up for them?

Is it fear of man? Are we afraid that we will become the next target (a very legitimate possibility), or that we will lose speaking engagements (another legitimate possibility), or lose friends (yet another legitimate possibility)?

Is it people pleasing? Are we wanting everyone to see us as “the nice person” who is never disagreeing with anyone; who is always friendly and ever-positive (Ephesians 6:6)?

Is it an idol of the heart? Do we live with the goal of being liked by everyone and never rocking the boat?

Is it selfishness? Do we place our own need for ease, safety, personal peace, and comfort before protecting, defending, supporting, and comforting others (Philippians 2:1-5)?

Is it a false theology of peace-faking? Do we cherry-pick verses about being silent when insulted, but leave out passages, such as much of 1 and 2 Corinthians, where Paul publicly defends his ministry? Do we leave out 1 Timothy 1:15 and 4:16 where no one came to Paul’s defense? Do we omit passages about warning others to slander no one, to be peaceable and considerate, and always gentle toward everyone (Titus 3:2; Ephesians 5:3; James 4:11-12)? Are we neglecting biblical truth about nouthetically confronting others who are unbiblical, unloving, and divisive (Titus 3:9-11)?

Is it a false theology about what we do with mischaracterization? While we can learn from anyone (even a donkey; 2 Peter 2:16), the Bible does not tell us to humbly learn from lies, mistruths, and mischaracterizations. Instead, the Bible commands us to speak truth about lies, to expose lies (Ephesians 5:11-13). Paul commands Christian leaders to not allow anyone to despise their teachings (1 Timothy 4:12; Titus 2:15). Jesus consistently corrected lies about Himself and His ministry (Matthew 9:1-8; 12:1-8; 12:9-13; 12:22-37). John specifically says he will publicly call out those who lie about him. “I wrote to the church, but Diotrephes, who loves to be first, will not welcome us. So when I come, I will call attention to what he is doing, spreading malicious nonsense about us” (3 John 1:9-10).

Are we just too busy doing our own thing—including good things like ministry? I’m sure Paul’s friends could have pleaded, “I’m too busy doing ministry to get caught up in these public issues.” But where did that leave Paul? “At my first defense, no one came to my support, but everyone deserted me. May it not be held against them.”

How Shall We Then Live? 

When biblical counselors publicly mischaracterize other biblical counselors, let’s not leave our fellow biblical counselors the way Paul was left—with no one coming to his defense, with everyone deserting him.

Instead, let’s be like Jonathan with David—coming to David’s defense, protecting David.

“Jonathan spoke well of David to his father Saul. He said to him, “May the king not wrong his servant David, for he has not wronged you. What he has done has only been to your benefit. He risked his life when he killed the Philistine. The Lord won a great victory for all of Israel. You saw it and you rejoiced. Why would you sin against innocent blood by killing David for no reason?” (1 Samuel 19:4-5).

And, yes, it is important that we also privately minister soul care to the hurting biblical counselor who has been publicly mischaracterized. This post is simply adding the biblical truth about public defense against public slander. 

Let’s Practice What We Counsel 

If we do have a concern with a fellow biblical counselor, let’s practice what we counsel. Biblical counselors are publicly naming names, while mischaracterizing fellow biblical counselors, mis-quoting them, cherry-picking quotes, and doing all this without ever talking to the person to see if they are correctly characterizing them, without ever allowing the other person, or ever inviting the other person, to share their perspective. Of all people, biblical counselors, who preach about relationships, who teach about conflict resolution, who counsel about reconciliation, should be putting into practice biblical principles of relationships.

By the way, I have reached out to several biblical counselors to do exactly what I am talking about in this post. When they have publicly mischaracterized fellow biblical counselors, I have started conversation with them. I am trying to practice what I preach. And when they have not retracted public mischaracterizations about other biblical counselors, then I have publicly spoken in defense of fellow biblical counselors.

“Jesus with Skin On” 

While every human being failed Paul; God never failed Paul; God never fails us.

“But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength, so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed and all the Gentiles might hear it. And I was delivered from the lion’s mouth. The Lord will rescue me from every evil attack and will bring me safely to his heavenly kingdom. To him be glory for ever and ever. Amen.” (1 Timothy 4:17-18).

We all are eternally thankful that when people let us down by not standing with us, “the Lord always stands at our side.” What a beautiful, sustaining reality.

How beautiful it would have been for Paul if had been able to say,

“At my first defense, my brothers and sisters in Christ, at great risk to themselves, came to support me, had my back, stood with me, and never deserted me. May their reward be great. They were ‘Jesus with skin on.’ They gave me a taste of, a glimpse of my Lord, who always stands at my side and gives me strength.”