“Then Job answered and said: ‘I have heard many such things; miserable comforters are you all’” (Job 16:1-2).

Mark #1: Miserable Counselor/Comforters Are Defensive and Aggressive

What happens when a suffering counselee pushes back on counseling that confuses lament with sin, and that blames suffering on personal sin?

“Then Zophar the Naamathite replied: ‘My troubled thoughts prompt me to answer because I am greatly disturbed. I hear a rebuke that dishonors me, and my perception compels me to reply’” (Job 20:1-3).

The miserable, defensive counselor, rather than empathizing with their counselee, and listening to their pain, doubles down by rebuking the counselee for daring to disagree with their miserable counsel.

The victim is revictimize in the “counseling” session. First, the miserable counselor shames you for feeling/lamenting. Second, they shame you for disagreeing with them. The counseling becomes abusive.

Mark #2: Miserable Counselors/Comforters Are Empty of Empathy 

Ironically (or, hypocritically), miserable comforters are more concerned about their own perceived wounds, and their perception of being dishonored, than they are about the actual wounds that their counselee is enduring. “I hear a rebuke that dishonors me, and my perception compels me to reply” (Job 20:-3).

Miserable comforters, non-empathetic counselors, display the capacity for only one type of empathy—“self-empathy.” They empathize with their own perceived dishonor, but they are bereft of the capacity to empathize with the suffering of their own counselee.

Mark #3: Miserable Counselors/Comforters Are Fueled by Fury 

Ironically (or, hypocritically), miserable comforters are experts at confronting others, but are novices at receiving confrontation. Chapter after chapter, day after day, they confront Job—blaming his suffering on sin and calling his emotional lament sinful complaining. Yet, when Job pushes back, they go ballistic.

“My disquieting thoughts make me respond, even because of my inward agitation. I listened to the reprimand which insults me, and the spirit of my understanding makes me answer” (Job 20:2-3, NASB).

Mark #4: Miserable Counselors/Comforters Insist on Lingering Speeches, Instead of Offering Lingering Listening to Lingering Lament 

Earlier, Job describes the tactics of miserable comforters, and shares what to do instead.

“Then Job replied: ‘I have heard many things like these; you are miserable comforters, all of you!’” (Job 16:1-2).

How do miserable comforters sinfully counsel? Instead of listening, they give long speeches.

“Will your long-winded speeches never end? What ails you that you keep on arguing?” (Job 16:3).

Job becomes a soul physician, diagnosing the sinful soul of miserable counselors—out of the abundance of their ailing, sick, sinful heart, they keep on arguing, keep on speaking, never listening.

Even earlier, Job confronts these miserable counselors for their failure to listen, even calling them worthless (soul) physicians.

“You, however, smear me with lies; you are worthless physicians, all of you!” (Job 13:4).

Job’s three “friends” constantly condemn his laments, judge his feelings, and blame him for his suffering. What should they do instead? They should listen, listen, listen.

“If only you would be altogether silent! For you, that would be wisdom” (Job 13:3). (They felt a compulsion to speak perils of wisdom, but their words were filled with foolishness. For them, silent empathetic listening to lament would have demonstrated true wisdom.)

“Hear now my argument; listen to the pleas of my lips” (Job 13:5). (Job has to plea for them to hear his pleas.)

“Keep silent and let me speak; then let come to me what may” (Job 13:5). (Job has to fight to get a word in, instead of being invited to share his soul. Miserable counselors are the opposite of the apostle Paul who was delighted to share his own soul with those he shepherded (1 Thessalonians 2:7-8).

“Listen carefully to what I say; let my words ring in your ears” (Job 13:17). (They were so tone-deaf to Job’s words, that he has to beg his “counselors” to listen to him.)

It’s a sad counseling session when you have to plead four times with your counselor to listen to your lament…

Miserable counselors love to hear themselves speak. Sadly, their words are meaningless mottos and maxims.

“Your maxims are proverbs of ashes; your defenses are defenses of clay” (Job 13:12). (They thought their pithy, pious proclamations were clever. They were wrong.)

Mark #5: Miserable Counselors/Comforters Are Filled with the Wrong Fuel: Toxic Non-Empathy

Returning to Job 16, we see that miserable counselors are empty of empathy but filled with condemnation.

“I also could speak like you, if you were in my place; I could make fine speeches against you and shake my head at you” (Job 16:4).

What would Job do instead of making fine speeches and shaking his head in shame at sufferers? He would provide parakaletic soul care: coming along side others compassionately with comfort and encouragement.

“But my mouth would encourage you; comfort from my lips would bring you relief” (Job 16:5). (Miserable counselors demean the natural desire for relief. Unlike them, the Divine Counselor groans with us until glory in a sympathetic desire for relief from the horrific effects of the fall—Romans 8:17-27.)

Alas, miserable comforters do not have the capacity for compassion. They scorn tears, exhort away emotions, and condemn lament.

“My friends treat me with scorn as my eyes pour out tears to God” (Job 16:20).

Even while Job is sobbing uncontrollably, his miserable counselors scorn him uncontrollably and unceasingly. They label his suffering sin and his lament libel.

Mark #6: Miserable Counselors/Comforters Have Foolish Beliefs About God 

What does our ultimate Soul Physician think about miserable soul physicians? What does the Father of compassion and God of all comfort think about miserable comforters?

The LORD God is angry with miserable counselors/comforters. Miserable counselors fail to understand people compassionately because they fail to understand who God is. God calls miserable counselors “fools.”

“After the Lord had said these things to Job, he said to Eliphaz the Temanite, ‘I am angry with you and your two friends, because you have not spoken the truth about me, as my servant Job has. So now take seven bulls and seven rams and go to my servant Job and sacrifice a burnt offering for yourselves. My servant Job will pray for you, and I will accept his prayer and not deal with you according to your folly. You have not spoken the truth about me, as my servant Job has.’ So Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite did what the Lord told them; and the Lord accepted Job’s prayer” (Job 42:7-11).

The inability to comfort, empathize, offer compassion, and suffer with/weep with others is not simply a lack of training. Rather, it is due to a lack of intimate, accurate knowledge of God and His love (“you have not spoken the truth about me”). If we know God and His love, then we will love our brothers and sisters.

“Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love…. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us (1 John 4:7-8, 11-12).

Repent, Return/Renew, Reconcile, and Make Restitution 

What does the miserable counselor/comforter need to do? They need to: repent, return to comforting/empathizing soul care, and make restitution.

“All his brothers and sisters and everyone who had known him before came and ate with him in his house. They comforted and consoled him over all the trouble the Lord had brought on him, and each one gave him a piece of silver and a gold ring” (Job 42:11).

Notice that this verse is not only about Job’s brothers and sisters. It is also about “everyone who had known him”—which would include Job’s three friends.

These miserable counselors repented.

They changed their ways, renewing their capacity to care, and returning to the God-designed role of comforting/consoling soul care givers.

They reconciled with Job. They humbled themselves before Job, obviously acknowledging their sin to Job by taking their burnt offering to Job and allowing Job to pray to God for their forgiveness.

They also made restitution: bringing Job silver and gold.

Miserable Counselors Today 

Have we labeled lament libel?

Have we called the legitimate expression of painful emotion sinful?

Have we blamed them for their suffering?

Have we failed to listen long to lingering lament?

Have we rushed counselees through the process of lament, racing them at an inhumane pace so that we could get our chance to talk?

Have we share our pithy, pious proclamations before truly hearing and entering their story of suffering?

Have we been defensive when they have pushed back and asked us to slow down and truly hear them and their hurt?

Have we been aggressive, confronting them for daring to confront our miserable comforting?

Has our counseling been relationally abusive?

If any of this is true, then we should repent, renew our capacity for compassionate empathy, reconcile with, and make restitution to any counselee, parishioner, friend we have sinned against by being miserable comforters.