How Do We Confront in Wisdom & Love?
Note: I’ve adapted this two-part blog series on loving and wise confronting from chapter 12 of 
Spiritual Friends.
Confrontation’s Bad Rap
Perhaps one of the most difficulty aspects of any relationship and of biblical counseling is loving and wise confrontation. Unloving confrontation—that’s not too hard. Non-confrontation—that’s not too hard. But loving, wise confrontation—that’s hard.
Confrontation has earned an undeserved “bad rap.” To correct that, consider the following biblical definitions.
- Confrontation exposes spiritual inconsistencies.
- Confrontation shows people how they are living inconsistently.
- Confrontation shows people how they are intoxicated by the lies of the world, the flesh, and the Devil.
In 2 Timothy 2:25, Paul commands Timothy to “gently instruct (confront, correct) those who oppose themselves” (author’s translation). The phrase “oppose themselves” develops from the Greek word for antithesis—a contrary position. It means to set oneself against the natural order. In the middle tense as it is here, it means to stand opposed to oneself, to place oneself in opposition to oneself.
Imagine that you are counseling Larry who has anger issues that he is so far unwilling to face. Confronting Larry is not unloving. Instead, confrontation shows Larry how he is standing opposed to himself. It exposes how he is living inconsistently with his new heart. It demonstrates how his life is inconsistent with his stated beliefs. It reveals how he is buying the lie of Satan’s works narrative rather than being rooted in the truth of Christ’s grace narrative.
The Character of the Confronter
In 2 Timothy 2:22-26, Paul explains the character of the confronter, the process of confrontation, the goals of confronting, and the true enemy in confrontation.
Flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart. Don’t have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels. And the Lord’s servant must not quarrel; instead, he must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful. Those who oppose him (oppose themselves) he must gently instruct (confront, correct), in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth, and that they will come to their senses and escape from the trap of the devil, who has taken them captive to do his will (2 Timothy 2:22-26, parenthesis added).
Confrontation requires integrity. To confront another, Timothy first has to confront himself. He has to flee (put off) evil desires and pursue (put on) godly affections. He removes the log from his eye by living out of a pure heart, before he confronts the heart of another.
Confrontation also requires humility. Timothy shuns fights, quarrels, and stupid arguments. Instead, he is to be kind and patient toward others, especially with those who are refractory. He sees himself as the Lord’s servant—his slave, voluntarily under Christ’s authority.
Confrontation further requires spirituality. Biblical confrontation is not bold and bullying. It is gentle and patient. In confronting, Timothy practices patience (2:24). That is, he bears up under wrong. When confronting others, they frequently become displeased with him. To bear up without resentment, Timothy needs forbearance.
Timothy is also to confront in meekness (2 Timothy 2:25). Meekness includes a temper of spirit and managed strength released with gentleness, humility, and concern. The meek person neither fights against God nor enters power struggles with others. The meek spiritual friend displays the opposite of self-assertion and self-interest.
The Process of Confronting
Confrontation also requires capability. Timothy has to be “able to teach” (2:24). He needs to skillfully relate doctrine to conduct. He has to relate truth to human relationships.
Paul uses the phrase “gently instruct” to describe the process of confrontation. It relates to schooling and in this context emphasizes corrective instruction. Its root form literally means to train children. Such child training requires practicality. It also necessitates explanation, as opposed to simply handing down rules. Much more than mere exhortation to stop a behavior, it involves instruction in the process of heart change leading to behavioral change.
Finally, confrontation requires savvy. “Those who oppose themselves he must gently confront in the hope that God will grant them repentance” (2:25, author’s translation, emphasis added). Timothy avoids power struggles and a quarrelsome spirit by realizing that it is not his role, but God’s, to bring about repentance. His role is simply to gently instruct by demonstrating discrepancies and inconsistencies.
The Goal of Confrontation
The goal of instructive correction (confrontation) is maturity: love out of a pure heart, a good conscience, and a sincere faith (1 Timothy 1:5). Thus the goal is virtue (2 Peter 1:3-11): character, not simply content.
Biblical instruction/confrontation includes a presentation of a clear worldview (grace narrative) and the implications derived from it (grace relationships). Confrontation promotes spiritual development through personal influence; it is the relational presentation of God’s worldview. It skillfully explores any discrepancies between grace narratives and works narratives and grace relationships and works relationships.
Paul further develops the goal of gentle biblical confrontation when he writes, “that they may recover themselves” (2 Timothy 2:26, author’s translation). Thus the goal is sobriety and sanity. To “recover” means to return to soberness as from a state of delirium where one is under the control of an outside element—the controlling passions of the flesh, intoxicated with false worldviews, and snared by the Devil. Confrontation helps a person like Larry to return to a sound mind—a whole, healthy mind that thinks and lives with integrity.
An additional goal of confrontation is safety—escape from the snare of the Devil who has taken them captive to do his will. “Snare” (2 Timothy 2:26) is a trap that fastens or holds fast, a net, a noose. Various authors used the word for seductive women and for the Trojan Horse. A snare is anything that entices with something desirable. It promises pleasure, but gives pain. When snared, Larry is caught in the net of self-deception and captured by the Devil’s delusion.
Notice, too, who the true enemy is here. Larry is not the ultimate enemy, Satan is. He has taken Larry captive. You attack Satan with God’s armor rather than attacking Larry.
The Rest of the Story
In Part 2 we’ll look at the “how-to” of wise and loving confrontation. We’ll consider some of the relational competencies necessary for biblical confrontation as we work with Larry and other spiritual friends.
Join the Conversation
How is today’s picture of confrontation different from what you may have thought and practiced before?
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