“I’m Sorry. I Was Wrong. Please Forgive Me.”
I was recently the recipient of a humble, heart-felt apology where the person sincerely asked for forgiveness. How rare that is!
It made me think of various ways people “apologize” and how we might respond.
The “No Apology, Ever!” Person
Some people are like Fonzie from the old Happy Days TV series. Remember? He could never even mouth the words “I was wwww-r-o-n-g.”
Some folks are like that—they’re never in the wrong. You and others always are.
What is a biblical response in cases like this? What biblical principles of reconciliation do you follow with someone who is never willing to seek reconciliation? Are you and I ever guilty of this way of responding to our own sin?
The “If You Were Offended” Person
Then there’s the person who is a master at the apology that is not an apology at all. In fact, their apology really blames others.
“I’m sorry if you were offended by what I said.” Or, “I’m sorry if you were hurt by what you thought I did.”
The tenor, the tone, the words—they all communicate, “What I did wasn’t wrong. You’re just waaaay too sensitive.”
What is a biblical response in cases like this? What biblical principles of reconciliation do you follow with someone whose apology is really an accusation? Are you and I ever guilty of this way of responding to our own sin?
The “You Were Wrong and I Forgive You” Person
Somewhat the opposite of the previous “styles” is the person who brings up forgiveness only as a way of expressing alllll the ways you sinned against her or him. They use the words, “I forgive you.” However, the bulk of their words are about your wrong.
“I forgive you for the way you’ve always been so condescending and judgmental. I forgive you for the way you hurt me and offended me with your cruel and discouraging words. I forgive you for all the ways your self-centered, arrogant actions have hurt me and countless others…”
What is a biblical response in cases like this? What biblical principles of reconciliation do you follow with someone who seems less interested in reconciliation and more interested in humiliation? Are you and I ever guilty of this way of responding to our own sin?
The “I’m Sorry; I Apologize” Person
This “style” sure seems right about being wrong. The person says, “I’m sorry. I apologize.”
This is a great start. However, by itself it may not lead to true reconciliation. In this “style,” there are no specifics. There is no admission of wrong, guilt, or sin. And, there is no request for forgiveness—which is so central to moving toward reconciliation.
What is a biblical response in cases like this? What biblical principles of reconciliation do you follow with someone who apologizes but does not admit wrong or ask forgiveness? Are you and I ever guilty of this way of responding to our own sin?
The “I’m Sorry; I Was Wrong; Here Are My Excuses” Person
No one apologizes using these exact words. However, the sense is more of excusing behavior than accepting responsibility.
“I’m sorry. I was wrong. Everybody was jumping on me all day long. My parents were dysfunctional when I was growing up. I was having a bad day. The boss was a jerk. No one ever taught me how to relate or handle my emotions. I have this medical condition. Your words and actions were just too much for me or any normal person to handle. And…”
What is a biblical response in cases like this? What biblical principles of reconciliation do you follow with someone who blames others (including you) for their wrong? Are you and I ever guilty of this way of responding to our own sin?
The “I’m Sorry. I Was Wrong. Please Forgive Me” Person
This “style” is how I was recently approached. It’s the person who says, “I’m sorry. I was wrong for __________.” They fill in the blank with the specific way(s) they sinned against you. No excuses.
They continue. “I sinned. Would you please forgive me? How can I make this right? How can we reconcile and get our relationship right?” They move from admission to the offer of a conversation about reconciliation.
What is a biblical response in cases like this? What biblical principles of reconciliation do you follow with someone who is seeking biblical reconciliation? Are you and I ever this mature in responding to our own sin?
Join the Conversation
Which “style” of reconciling do you seem to most often receive? How do/should you respond?
Which “style” of reconciling do you seem to most often offer?
What about the “I’m sorry you feel that way” person?
Chuck, That’s another good example. We’ve likely each experienced that and many of us have been guilty of saying that. I think I would put that as one more example of my “category” of “If you were offended.”
Good piece Bob, thanks. I have been approached in the “correct” way, but left sensing the heart was missing. It is often challenging to “think the best” in these circumstances – when the words are right, but the heart seems absent. Might this be particularly true with teenagers confessing to parents? I really appreciated the additional words you were offered… “How can I make this right? How can we reconcile and get our relationship right?” That would almost certainly provide a “check” on the motives of the one seeking forgiveness.
Good! thanks! 🙂
I just apologized to my wife last night for a sin against her of which she was not previously aware. I told her what I did, that I was sorry and asked for her forgiveness.
And then she asked me why I did it.
It was at that moment that I wanted to become the “I’m Sorry; I Was Wrong; Here Are My Excuses Person.” It felt so easy and natural now that she had opened the door. By God’s grace alone I was able to explain that it was my own selfishness and not any excuses that caused the sin.
Excellent. Pride is the reason for anything but the last response. Don’t give me excuses, just apologize, admit your error and let’s move on. It’s that easy. Sometimes I even go out of my way to say, “There is no excuse for my behavior” other than I’m a sinner always in need of grace.
After asking forgiveness along with saying, “How can I make this right?” or “How can we reconcile and get our relationship right?”, one might also ask, “Is there any other way that I’ve offended or sinned against you?” This allows the other person to freely bring up something you might have missed or were unaware of.
This post obviously struck a chord with people. What I’d really love to see is someone (me and others?) post principles about how to respond to each of the “styles” of “apologies.” If anyone is interested in doing so, send me the links.
I recently left a church where I was disrespected and slandered over a long period of time. I had several people reach out to me and say how much I meant to them and one person suggested that I read the book, The Bait of Satan, which I do have and have read. Before I left the church, since I was an elder, I shared with the other elders the exact reasons why I was stepping down. I don’t know whether my issues have been discussed with the offending parties. But I do know that some people seem to think just saying, “We love you”, “We miss you” is enough to smooth over offenses. This church has a history of not talking about its issues, which I find to be very dysfunctional. The problem that I have is that by never discussing the issues, the door is left open for the offense to occur again. It’s simply too easy to say “I’m sorry” without ever discussing the offense and then one day, something happens, and the offensive behavior is repeated. It’s much like being married to an abuser who says, “Baby, I’m sorry it won’t happen again.” We all know what happens. When in a situation where their emotions are triggered, boom, they lash out again. So, I have chosen to leave the abusive relationship and do not even desire an apology from the abusers. First of all, I think they’d be doing it because of being guilted into doing so. But more importantly, because I’ve moved on, my desire would be to see them just change their attitude and treat others better. In other words, just don’t make it right with me–endeavor to be a different person.
I have been dealing with the no apology person for sometime now. However, everyone says you must forgive. But how can we forgive if the person never admits wrong or ask for forgiveness? I am perplexed by the blanket statement to forgive. Does God forgive us if we never ask for forgiveness? And if He doesn’t who are we to forgive those who are not truly repentant? I really would love a response.
Thanks.
Gloria, You raise some insightful questions. None that I could answer comprehensively in a quick comment…so I’ll summarize a few thoughts. Yes, I do think calls us to forgive others whether or not they ask for forgiveness. However, there are consequences for a lack of confession…which vary from relationship to relationship…some of those consequences could be confrontation, church discipline, bold love, etc. As for God and forgiveness…with the Christian I believe the Father forgives us on the basis of Christ and thus just like with the prodigal son, the Father saw him a long way off and ran to him in reconciliation/forgiveness even before the words were spoken. Even more, with the elder son who never confessed/repented, the Father continued to move toward him in love. Just a few quick reflections. Bob
How do you deal with a non-believer (the husband of a friend) who ‘unreservedly’ apologized to me and then added, “But I had my reasons” – which he made up on the spot, according to his wife. He is the most unreasonable and controlling person I’ve met and sees his wife’s friends as competitors for her affection. I did as he asked and distanced myself from him, but I feel that was not a Christlike reaction. I’d add that my husband was so incensed at his sudden attack on me that he doesn’t want to have anything more to do with him. I still see my friend but we have to meet clandestinely, which I feel uneasy about. Without the loyalty of her friends she would live like a recluse with only her husband for company when it suited him. I’d really appreciate any advice you can give me.
Susie, Like so many of these situations, there’s no one-size-fits-all, easy answer. With a very unreasonable person as you have described, your husband’s counsel sounds wise. I would encourage you to talk to your husband about seeing your friend, but in situations alone with her. She certainly needs your Christian support. I would encourage you to pray for her unbelieving husband. Perhaps your husband could stretch himself to develop a redemptive relationship with the non-believing husband. Somewhere along the line some “bold love” is needed to confront the husband. But a relationship of trust needs to be built. The wife also needs a solid support system through the Body of Christ. I’ll be praying.
Sometimes, where three persons might be involved instead of only two, there might be some unknown factors.
You may want to decrease the level of expectations in order to receive a much better outcome in dealing with some disappointment.
Thank you for your advice, Bob. It really helped me. My friend is also unsaved though she has a sentimental love for Jesus. I’ve been trying to witness to her for years, given her a Bible and other helps. But her husband (who claims, among other things, to have cured her of cancer) prefers her to read a pile of books on quack remedies. I’ve sometimes wondered if this is a spiritual battle. My husband is very fond of my friend and is supportive of her, so the clandestine meetings with her are only necessary because she cannnot see me openly. Ever since I’ve known her (10 years) she’s been afraid of getting on the wrong side of him. She rings her friends when he’s out and when he returns she rings off. If she comes round she can never stay long. The price of being her friend is that the relationship must be on his terms. The reason he flew at me was because he imagined I’d not consulted him on a minor detail, one so trivial as to be farcical. Thank you for praying – I so appreciate it. My husband does not have a saving faith as yet, but I have his support and he hears the Word rightly divided each Sunday. I will begin to pray in earnest for my friend’s husband. Thank you again for your encouragement and wisdom.
I seem to get all of them, but rarely the “I’m Sorry. I Was Wrong. Please Forgive Me” type. The last one of course is the one that is usually needed. I am sure everyone can think of several excuses for bad behavior, but in the end, if you are truly sorry, then it does not matter why you hurt someone else. Wrong is wrong regardless of the reason. I am sure there are a lot of relationships broken due to the lack of an apology. People want forgiveness, but never bother to ask. Forgiveness is a gift that we can give to others and ourselves. However, forgiveness is also a gift that we can receive.
How about when someone says I just want you to know that I admit I was wrong. I hope you accept my apology?
Although I don’t see any effort to get things back. I feel like the apology was only said to get it off his chest not more. So what do I do? Keeping in mind that the apology came very late too. In my heart I know I forgive him. Everyone around is telling me not to talk to him anymore!