A Word from Bob: I’ve taken today’s post on family life and family counseling from my new book: Gospel-Centered Family Counseling: An Equipping Guide for Pastors and Counselors.

Where Do We Start? 

As parents, where do we start when we think about godly shepherding of our family? If we’re honest, most of us want to start with simple steps.

It is a natural desire. We all want a how to manual for parenting.

Manoah and his wife—the parents of Samson—were no exception. Having remained childless for decades, imagine the excitement Manoah’s wife experiences when the angel of the Lord appears with this promise:

You are barren and childless, but you are going to become pregnant and give birth to a son. Now see to it that you drink no wine or other fermented drink and that you do not eat anything unclean. You will become pregnant and have a son whose head is never to be touched by a razor because the boy is to be a Nazirite, dedicated to God from the womb. He will take the lead in delivering Israel from the hands of the Philistines (Judges 13:3-5).

Her mind is racing as she races to Manoah. Her words gush out of her overflowing soul as she tells her husband of her encounter.

A man of God came to me. He looked like an angel of God, very awesome. I didn’t ask him where he came from, and he didn’t tell me his name. But he said to me, “You will become pregnant and have a son. Now then, drink no wine or other fermented drink and do not eat anything unclean, because the boy will be a Nazirite of God from the womb until the day of his death” (Judges 13:6-7).

Manoah can no longer contain himself. “What? We’ve waited all these years to have a child. An ambassador from God comes and he doesn’t leave us a parenting manual! This man must come back!” That is the message of Manoah’s prayer in Judges 13:8. “Then Manoah prayed to the Lord: ‘Pardon your servant, Lord. I beg you to let the man of God you sent to us come again to teach us how to bring up the boy who is to be born.’”

The Typical Prayer of Parents 

That is the normal prayer of every Christian parent.

“Please, Father, teach me, guide, me, direct me, instruct me how to raise my child.”

In Manoah’s case, we are told that God heard his prayer. The messenger of God returned. He handed Manoah the latest addition of 12 Steps to Raising Your Children for Yahweh and then left. Manoah, his wife, and their son, Samson, lived happily ever after…

Then again, perhaps it happened like this. The angel of the Lord came again to Manoah’s wife. Again, she races to her husband. “He’s here, Manoah! The man who appeared to me the other day has returned. God has answered your prayer.”

Manoah follows his wife, races to the man, and asks, “Are you the man who talked to my wife?” “I am,” he says. 

So Manoah asks, “When your words are fulfilled, what is to be the rule that governs the boy’s life and work?” (Judges 13:12). There it is again: a second request for a how to manual. “How shall we order our parenting? What list of rules will lead, guide, and direct us step-by-step?”

The Gospel-Centered Prayer of Parents 

The angel of the Lord answers, “Your wife must do all that I have told her. She must not eat anything that comes from the grapevine, nor drink any wine or other fermented drink nor eat anything unclean. She must do everything I have commanded her” (Judges 13:13-14).

Manoah’s jaw drops. “Huh? What’s that? Couldn’t you leave us a scroll or papyri manual? What about a list? Some steps? Something?”

Rather than giving Samson’s parents a list, the angel of the Lord exhorted them toward a lifestyle: a God-dependent, God-glorifying, God-trusting, God-surrendered lifestyle. That is the cultural meaning of the Nazarite vow that Manoah, his wife, and their son were to fulfil. It was a commitment to consecrate and dedicate their life to God through a living faith embodied by a daily trust in God alone. The sustenance of the day was the fruit of the grapevine. To choose not to drink it was to live like Jesus lived in Matthew 4:4. “It is written: ‘Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.’”

Manoah and his wife desired what each of us desire as Christian parents. “Father, teach me how to parent my child.” Our Father answers our prayer, but in his way, not ours. His parenting manual has one “rule,” one “commandment.” It goes like this:

Parent, Be Christlike by Being God-Dependent 

God’s Parental Prime Directive

This is the same message we receive from Paul in Ephesians. Paul pens 131 verses about gospel-dependent living in Ephesians 1-5, before he offers us one verse on parenting—Ephesians 6:4.

When I counsel parents, they often expect me to race with them to Ephesians 6:1-4. Initially they are a tad surprised when we start by exploring gospel-centered principles like: 1) Our life purpose as parents and children to glorify God (Ephesians 1), 2) Our lifelong need for Christ because of our guilt before God (Ephesians 2), 3) Our lifelong dependence upon Christ for grace from God (Ephesians 2-3), and 4) Our lifelong power for growth through God’s Spirit (Ephesians 3-6).

Judges 13 and Ephesians 1-6 convey the same parental prime directive from God:

To become a More Powerful Parent, We Must Become a More Godly Person: A Person Dedicated to Dependence upon God 

God’s Family Counselor Prime Directive 

What are the implications of this for biblical family counseling? God calls us to be gospel-centered family counselors counseling grace-focused parents raising grace-saturated kids.

Notice the emphasis in my wording by noticing who is in the middle of that sentence—grace-focused parents.

This helps us to understand the essence of biblical family counseling:

• Children need good, godly parenting more than they need good, godly counseling.
• The family counselor must not replace parents as the primary shepherds in the home.
• We are counseling parents to be their children’s best biblical counselors. 

Join the Conversation: Parents 

Where’s our focus as parents? Do we focus on “3 easy steps to godly parenting”? Or, do we focus on becoming more godly people—more God-dependent parents?

Join the Conversation: Counselors 

Where’s our focus as biblical family counselors? Do we focus on replacing parents by becoming shepherds to their children? Or, do we focus on equipping parents to be God-dependent people who shepherd their own children?